sleepwalking on stilts

Minuet minute

2011-12-20T19:48:00.001+08:00

18/12/11 10:04 PM

I can't tell.
I wouldn't have ever imagined that it would happen.
Empty crania.
One bar left.
Japanese hospitality.
It is not really a good idea approaching me at that very moment.

Fingers swoosh.
Pause.
Clear everything.
Slow motion.
I've never seen such a Divine Masterpiece.
Tadyang sa tadyang.
It was the ideal.
If I said hi, would you say hello?
If I said hi, would you punch me in the face?
I just pretended.
Pretended that you didn't exist.
That you never came.
It made my spine shiver.

I looked at you.
I looked at you since you're facing the road.
I felt shallow loving you in your carapace.
But I never cared.
I just let my eyes waltz on your ear to your shoulders.

As I waved my flag, I left my whiff only to discover that were on the same direction.
It's hard to ignore you, you see.
Tell me, do you ignore a creature as perfect as you?
My mind is battling.
Blue and white, green and white.
Should I trace your track?

I snipped the ribbon on one go.
As you climb up the stairs, I rushed to leave your surrounding.
I was shouting my goodbyes deep inside.
I wanted to give you something very special.
Will we meet again?
It would be...destiny

Morning Shuffle

2011-10-13T09:25:00.000+08:00

Might as well share this quote from a post by a random Facebook post. This should get my day going :) Thank you Lord for making me feel happy and fuzzy all over today.

"Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter."

epifania

2011-10-13T03:27:00.000+08:00

Enjoy my craziness :]

camp strawberry

2011-10-12T18:17:00.001+08:00

So ANOTHER DREAM!
Two parts actually so let the dream flashback commence!

1. Still at Venaville in where we used to live. Shemay. Dati di ko naman napapaginpan tong place na to but now...WHAT THE HELL, MIND! Anyway. The atmosphere was very familiar. It was the atmosphere of the "January Amihan Breeze of 6o'clock." It was this year when the Western Hemisphere is freezing and the iceberg lettuces at Baguio are having frost at the tips of their pale leaves.

There was a mysterious vibe. But I loved it. The sensory pleasure of it. It had the sounds of the waves crashing reminiscent of my frequent trips to the resorts in Cavite in my childhood. Weird since I never heard the waves in real life. Maybe the lake was just really calm. Or is it just the lake is a bit far from where were living. Thank God! Siguro kung malapit kami, baha lagi pauwi.

Wala yung mga shongang taong nagtotongits. Mga batang naglalaro ba. Pero kahit ang saya-saya ng mga kilos nila, kahit na ang mukha nila eh mga nakangiti, it looks like it's a big show. Masquerading. You can almost grow your umbilical cord to theirs and you can feel what they truly feel.

I rarely open our doors even in real life so I was just peeking by opening them slightly ajar, exact for my head to fit. If you still don't get the atmosphere well, think of Demi Lovato's Skycraper video, though with paler grass and sand roads.

Finally, I tried to open the door wide and come out. Liberating. Weird. I've never seen a step going from our door before. Parang kakagawa lang niya last month. No tile. Bare cement. I quickly went back inside even though hindi naman palapit yung mga bata. I brushed by feet at the ground and I saw a cockroach at the side. I stepped on it. It keep on covulsing and dropping out odd-looking eggs. It was like miniature matryoshka dolls. It had a avian-inspired pattern all over it. As I was getting inside, my feet touched one of them and not realizing it until I went to the bathroom. You see I went out in our back door. The back was open so you can see your damn neighbors. Standing behind the door, sa kaliwa nun, is the bathroom.

Nakita ko yung "matryoshka." Nandiri talaga ako. Di ako nakipag eye-to-eye sa kanya. Binuksan ko agad yung gripo at sinubukang iwagwag ang matryoshka. Unti-unti siyang kumakalas. At dun ko nalaman na yung feathers niya yung nalalagas AT isa pala siyang OWL. Well baby owl.

2.Eto na ang kadrama-dramang pangalawang eksena. As you all know, I really have close ties with my Dad. Even though the last time we met was at my 2nd Year in HS, eh I still love him. Despite of all the trash that Mom says to him. I forgave. Di ko ininda. Basta alam ko mahal ko si Daddy. And I've read/watched somewhere that you should never do that to your child even though your husband/wife is such an ass. Kids see their parents as superheroes even though its bogus.

We were inside this sad-looking hospital and bustling up the stairs. Kasama ko si Mom. Inrl my Dad was really sick since he's so crazy about cigarettes plus he's age. Mom quickly said to wait for her. She changed into a medical robe so that no one would notice her. Drama niya. So wala na akong nagawa. Pumasok kami sa mala-labyrinth na lugar at yun na pala yung ward kung saan nandun si Daddy. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang pakiramdam ko ng mga time na yun. Tinatry ko na idedma pero di tumatalab. Naabot na namin yung higaan ni Daddy.

In the truest sense eh sosyalin pa rin kahit nakaward. Our realtives opt to have two beds joined together just like at their place since I used to sleep there when I was young a lot. Nandun si Eunice, my pamangkin(pero minasquerade nga mga "elders" na pinsan ko daw. The hell. Technically eh kapatid ko yung mom niya), and si Rowena, my half sister. Ako ata youngest sa mga magkakapatid since si Rowena mga magfi-fifty na. I'm not sure. She's part Korean pero she was born and raised here in the P.I.

Nakaupo si Dad sa kama niya, just like what I would do in sleepless nights. Weird kasi si Rowena and Eunice yung nakahiga. Baka shifting sila kasi gising yung dalawa pag gabi nagbabantay kay Daddy. Siyempre papatigas muna ako. Nag-hi muna ako kay Eunice at nginitian siya. Well she doesn't know na may sama ako ng loob sa kanya. Well next time ko na ididivulge yun. Tiningnan ko si Daddy. Even though ang layo na ng itsura niya ngayon sa panaginip ko, eh he looks like he didn't aged a bit. Well actually he has white hair now and slightly frail. Sa dream ko he looked WAY young. Di siya ngumiti ng nakita niya ako, in the true Daddy sense. Pero he somewhat smirked or had this decimal ngiwi. Ngumiti naman ako at lumapit ako sa kanya. Palapit ako ng palapit sa kanya at parang kryptonite na lalo akong nagiging vulnerable. You can imagine my "face acrobatics" when I was about to be directly face to face with him. I stretched my arms hugged him tight and began to let the volcano explode. I was sobbing like the people in Lukso ng Dugo or Reunions. I felt like the backdrop fell and nawala lahat ng tao. Everything went white with a black glow in our bodies. Nawala ang audio bumagal and movement. Para kaming naguusap ng di gumagamit ng bibig. "Daddy, kamusta na? It's been a long time!" "Oo nga eh" Daddy, alam mo bang miss na miss na kita?" Mental telepathy perhaps. Bluetooth connection if you will.

So kumawala ako as the backdrop was raised back slowly, the other characters came back. As usual, Rowena and Mom chatted and Eunice played with her phone. Ako naman, magkatabi kami ni Daddy. At parang nagrewind lahat at bumalik ako sa pagkabata, literally. Humiga ako banda sa binti niya at nagcurl-up ng parang kuting. Pinikit ko lang yung mata ko kahit feeling ko nakabukas parin siya. Nageeavesdrop lang ako sa pinaguusapan ng dalawa kahit na parang "blurred" yung boses nila as usual. Ang malinaw lang eh pag ako nagsasalita at pag makikipaginteract ako.

Fast forward at di kami nagusap ni Daddy. Puro yakap. It was alienating to feel him close me. I'm still "re-familiarizing" all over again. That was still a very long duration and di na bumaba yung backdrop. Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya at....

He's gone.

Putangina. Naghysterical ako. DADDDYYYYYYY. DADDYYYYYYY. Sobs there. Tears everywhere. Yung iba naman eh parang stunned na ewan. Dad was still in his "hugging position." Rock hard. I quickly "disassembled" him and made him lie on my thighs kinda like Pieta. I kept on brushing his hair while crying wildly. Still no freaking reaction from anyone.

And...They told me to "fix him." As in ayusin ang pagkakahiga niya sa kama. After 5-10 minutes eh everything was silent. Even me. Dried tears. Red eyes. Then suddenly, his feet twitched. I was all over the place saying "Buhay pa siya!" but actually I wanted to say "Putang ina niyong lahat! Buhay pa ang daddy ko!" Then everything twisted. Minulat niya ang mga mata niya at sinagot niya ang statement ko. Parang binara pa niya ako.

So I noticed the fruit basket near Eunice as I was wiping my 40-minute tears. I asked her "Meron ka pa ba ng mga strawberry na yan?"

recoletos

2011-10-12T00:22:00.001+08:00

Yan nahantong ang huling parte ng "catching up" namen ni (tago nalang natin siya sa pangalang)Kemedu. Ewan ko. Bigla ko siyang naalala at namiss kahit na isang matinding plastikan ang relasyon namin sa isa't isa. I was never crazy about hanging around with him just like he was with me. Isang thread lang ang naguugnay samin. Yung electromagnetic platonic kong katoto.

Di clear sakin kung good terms ba kami o sadyang bipolar lang siya. Pero wapakels ako as usual. Lagi kong sinusuka yung "hindi siya kawalan."

Nakakatuwa siya kasi pabulosa siya. Laging pumapasyon. Humihinga, umiihi, tumatae, at umuutot ng fierce. You can never get to know someone who's like him. Rumarare gem lang ang peg niya. Bihira ka kasi makakita ng ganyang tao sa mapangalipustang lipunan ng Pilipinas MALIBAN, kung makikipagsalamuha ka sa mga badaf na pinupugad ang mga byuti parlor.

Nasanay na ako simula ng Grade 2 na tinutukso. Noon eh naiinis talaga ako pero di ko nalang iniinda. Kahit noon pa pala eh tumatalab na ang painkiller sakin. Lumala yan ng napadpad kami sa Morong. You can't get any street and idiotic as that. Hanggang dumating ang highschool at talagang namanhid na ako sa mga ganyan at natuto na rin akong makipag-barahan at lucky enough, nananalo ako. Kasi nga mga bobo sila. Siguro eh di sila mahal ng mga magulang nila. Siguro eh sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, ni Allah, at ni Budda ay puro putang ina, tarantado, inutil, at tanga ang namumulaklak sa bibig ng mga magulang nila.

Hanggang ngayon ay hinahanap ko pa rin kung sino ba ako. Hanggang ngayon ay alam kong pangkaraniwan ako pero alam ko din na naiiba ako. Kaya di na ako nagabalang magtanong. WYSIWYG Ika nga nila. Kaya I just let everything flow. You can't stop a waterfall.

Nung tinanong nya eh bumalik lahat ng naramdaman ko dati. Yung kaba, insulto. Labo. Pero in my newly deep sense, eh binigyan ko nalang siya ng refresher course sa Context Clues ni Madam Judith. And just what I expected, it worked. Kinda bitchy but natawa nalang ako. Mga 5 ata yun. Tanungin niyo nalang ako siguro ng ganito araw-araw para masagot ko kayo ng 3871289462 version na isa lang ang ibig sabihin.

what she said

2011-10-11T06:25:00.001+08:00

Destiny is for losers. It's just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.

-Blair Waldorf

gulong

2011-10-11T06:18:00.002+08:00

I miss having dreams! Here is the "shortened version". It had a lot of scenes and they kinda not blend well together. It had a bad script writer xp I tried to make it chronological but I failed sorry :(

1. In real life, I really think that my skin got lighter since hindi naman ako lumalabas ng bahay that often. So when I went to school(it was SMMS in that dream, 4th year to be exact), I suddenly noticed that my hair turned to be blonde.
I wasn't happy. I looked like Enrique Gil B.C lol. It looked like I was this trying hard Eurasian-looking dude. Then it settled down in my brain and came into conclusion that....I WAS ALBINO! Kasama ko pa nun si Maine and I was slightly hysterical. Klase pa ni Milan nung time na yun and maaraw pero malamig xp.

2. Uwian. Mga 5PM na kami nakauwi at kasama ko nun si Pat M. Nakakatawa nga kasi siya lang ang college friend ko na present sa dream ko. Kasabay ko siyang umuwi ng time na yun just to make it clear. Kasi parang naging redundant ako dun lol. Tapos nakita namin yung grupo nila Guian. Sila RC ganun..madami sila eh pero wala dun si Ed, Luigi, XY, JM..Those people. I could go on and on pero madaming wala but at the same time, eh ang dami nila Guian dun. Siguro grupo-grupo lang sila.
Nagyaya si Guian na pumunta somewhere para pumunta sa lamay in some random village. I said yes. Sinaman ko na rin si Pat haha

3. I was alone in this scene. Well kinda. Pero feeling ko may kausap ako/ kasama. Ay ok alam ko na lol.
Pumunta kasi ako sa sementero. There, I was really odd kasi yung mga nitso, revolving hahaha. Yung merong pole sa dulo nila tapos iiikot lang ng mga binibisita yung nitso to pay respects or whatever. And get this, HINDI USO ANG KANDILA DUN. It was so clean. Yet so sad and barren-ish. Parang walang sepulturero.
I got to this table and sat with a bunch of guys. It's a different set this time. In the table, there were empty bowls. The table pala was pure stone. Mala-Easter Island statue yung stone. I got shocked because, the guy in the white crisp shirt (I guess. Basta white ang suot niya) served freakin....DECAYING HUMAN ORGANS AND SHATTERED BONES!
Sabi ko sa sarili ko ng time na yun, "shet nahatak ata ako sa Fear Factor ah." It wasn't smelly at all. When my olfactory sense starts creating "drama" then out na ako jan. The bowl had this white cartilage-y parts shaped like shallow bowls. I think those were ears. Then there was shattered bones complete with slightly dried-up blood inside(or at least it looked like that)
Yun pala it isn't decaying human parts, those are FOOD, CLEAN FOOD. From Fear Factor, it went to Wow Mali.

4. Different scene ulit. This time I was still alone pero I went to someone's house first. It was weird because I was back in Venaville. God I miss that place. It's like I'm talking with Him personally everytime :D. Anyways, parang narevamp yung place. Wala na yung mga structures na alam kong nandun. It had more modern houses. Kinda like the ones that would excite Daphne Osena-Paez's ladyparts.
I arrived on this white and beige house. Very Michael Kors. There's still the unpaved road so it still felt familiar. It had a mix of concrete, glass and wood. The wood is more of the trellis kind. Pasok ako and there was the gang. Nag pe-prep lang daw sila papunta sa lamay lol tsaka tambay daw muna. Yun pala eh sa St. Monique ang lamay. Natawa naman ako inside kasi ansg susyal naman at sana nag-Memorial Park nalang yung namatayan diba?
Since walang magawa, napansin namin yung mga tao sa labas. Mukha silang taga ibang school kasi iba yung uniform na suot nila. WELL DUH PHILIP. They wore a chambray button down, tucked in beige pants with weathered brown boots. My kind of school I might say pero in this scene 4th year na ako so I can't move anymore and I love my friends at SMMS kahit na crap ang school, go parin haha.
Anyways, I decided to dress up like them. Nanghiram ako ng damit na slightly similar sa suot nila. The funny thing is, it matched perfectly. Nakita ko pa si Gerald P. dun. Kaya pala di ko na siya nakikita sa SMMS. Lumipat na. So what I did was I went out the house running going to the dirt road. Guess what happened.... I danced RUN THE WORLD!!! HAHAHAHAHA My version of course. Ayun, natakot sila sakin, umalis sila hahahah. Tawa naman yung mga kasama ko sa labas.
Well that part wouldn't happen inrl :( Ewan ko ba xp.
Oh paalis na kami 20-10 minutes after that so as we go downstairs, may naghahapit pang magligpit. Si Fernando pala yun lols. The house has this wooden gates inside the house. Every room has that. And man, nakulong siya haha. Sabi ni Guian na dun nalang daw siya xp. Sunduin nalang daw siya pagkagaling namin sa burol. So yun, pinatay yung ilaw sa buong bahay at tuluyan siyang nakulong sa loob. As Jea would say it, "MEAN!"
We now walked the streets of SMV. Hinahanap namin yung bahay ng kaklase namin. Ang daming tao ng time na yun. Para bang scene every Decemeber. You see, the streets there are flooded when the Bazaar is on going. Parang ganun lang yung arrive niya kaso ang weird dun wala kami sa Main Road. Ayun, natunton na namin yung bahay and iniwan muna namin yung bags namin dun.

-FAST FORWARD-

We got our bags and sinundo ko si Pat. Kasama namin sila Guian pauwi ng time na yun. So in the true SMV sense, ANG BAGAL NG SHUTTLE. So we walked. Awesome kasi makakapag kuwentuhan pa kami otw. As we reach the end of the street, well actually not the end, pero sa gilid niya, may parang mini-bangin. There, may gulong-yourself-pababa ride. Parang may perya lang lols. So we got really excited and we tried since malayo yung way pababa at mas mabilis kung GUGULONG KA haha. Si Pat naman, ayaw niya. Kahit anong pilit ko. So yun pinabayaan ko nalang. I told her to just wait for us sa baba.
We went to the starting line, complete with a red strip on the grass, kneel down, and rolled! So nauna siyempre sila Guian, konti nalang kaming natira since I insisted for Pat to join. Binilisan ko nalang yung paggulong. Ewan ko ba nung time na yun, ang bagal kong gumulong whereas, yung iba eh shet parang 5seconds lang tapos na xp.
Nung time na gumugulong ako parang nag slomo yung mundo. Parang "blurred" yung sounds tsaka parang dinuplicate yung eksena na yun at sinet sa Screen 60% opacity. after 10 SECONDS, eh tapos na yung dream sequence inside a dream sequence. pinapirma ako sa papel nung ate sa baba at biglang may sumigaw sa speakers at 12th PLACE AKO! LOL Weird. Alam nila agad yung name ko.

eto na

2011-10-10T08:20:00.000+08:00

This letter would get to you late even though it's electronic. Even though mouths are faster than racing cars but here it goes. I know. Letter nanaman. Yung putang inang letters na you got tired of. That you got numb because of it. I don't care. Suck it up bitch. Be thankful. Be Boy Abunda. Appreciate.

I've always treated you like shit. Hey, have you been reading the relationship columns in magazines? Websites perhaps. No? Sinasabi ko na nga ba eh. But whatever. That's how I treat people who are valuable to me. Who I'm comfortable with. Who I trust. Who I have a "connection" to. Di ka na nasanay. For the very first time, no? Ako ata yung hindi nasanay. Nasanay kasi akong laging tumatawa ka sa mga jokes kong walang kuwenta. Yung tawa mong parang sa sobrang saya mo, uutot ka pagkatapos. Feeling ko nagkasense ako. Feeling ko I'm important. Ngayon eh kahit nung nagpopose tayo sa kalyeng walang pedestrian lane, eh nagbago ka na. Siguro gawa yan ng stress. Ng mga deadlines. Ng mga shoots. Siguro gawa mo. You've grown. You became a polished female. Well not really. You're on the way. Feeling ko tuloy eh parang tatay na iiyak habang hinahatid yung kanyang unica hija sa harap ng altar(Nakalimutan mo daw kasing mag-angelus. I kid). Yung pag tuturuan mo yung batang mag-bike; you quietly let go of her until she finally realizes that she's doing it by herself(Tapos sumadsad yung nguso sa gutter. I kid). Siguro na gets mo na diba? Aba dapat lang. Don't tell me naso-slow ka nanaman. Ipakain kita kay Lolong eh.

That feeling grew. That stupid fucking feeling that I shouldn't be feeling because you share the same fucking feeling to a different person who feels what you are feeling. Ano? Dumudugo na ba ang utak mo? Umiiyak ka na ba ng bato? Yes? Good. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nakaramdam ng ganun. I try to fight it being the "intelligent" person that I am, alam kong I was just longing for your presence. Namiss kita. Imagine, two fucking years! Eh ang tibay na ng tambalan natin diba? Kasing tibay ng isang stick ng Pepero. Inamin ko yun sa'yo, via IM-ing you. Of couse, dinaan ko yun sa biro, doon ka nasanay eh. Doon din ako nasanay. Siyempre eh di mo sineryoso. Putang ina eh kasi clown ako eh. Nung time na 'yun eh di ko pa naaalala na may naghihintay sayo/hinihintay ka na nasa Kiwilandia. Pagkalabas ko palang sa computer shop ng gabing yun, eh masaya ako. Contented. Na at least, for the very first time, I got the "fake courage" of saying what I really feel, even though it was partly a longing. Duwag pa rin ako, shit sino ba naman kasing dickhead ang aamin via YM. Sana man lang eh tumawag ako diba. Pero I can't change it anymore. It's engraved in our history.

Dumaan yung time na gumawa pa ako ng putanginang PPT just to show that I'm serious. Siyempre, wala akong natanggap na comment. Siguro deretso yun sa Recycle Bin tapos in-empty mo agad. Para nga akong gago eh, pag naaalala ko yun, nakakaramdam ako ng katangahan. Natatawa ako tapos may tinge ng sana di ko nalang ginawa. Pero I can't change it anymore. It's engraved in our history.

Nawala nanaman ako sa circulasyon. Nalaman ko na kayo na. Siyempre feeling ko, eh second place ako. Meaning, I was the FIRST PLACE LOSER. Just my "built-in painkiller" worked into my system, eh minura nalang kita, just like I what I did in the past. May halong double smiley, dagdagan mo pa yan ng haha-ng kasing haba ng Great Wall of China. Don't get me wrong, naaccept ko yun nung time na yun.

Tumagal eh naging bitter ako. Naramdaman mo naman siguro yun nung nasa Gulongland tayo diba? Kung di mo nasense yun eh, ISA KANG MALAKING MANHID hahahaha. Mas manhid ka pa sa EDSA na ginugulungan ng mga cement mixers pag gabi, ng mga bus pag umaga. Don't worry, Chaks, I'm okay already. May hibla parin ng selos pero katulad nga ng sabi ni Karlita Manansalita, "keme lang teh". Masaya ako para sa inyo ni Kiwiboy kung nagtataka ka. Gusto kong magkita kami pag uwi niya at MAGTUTUOS KAMI!!! hahaha joke lang. Gusto ko yung parang sa music video ni Gwen Stefani, even though we weren't actually, actually. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya that he is one of the few lucky guys out there who have a person who's as sweet, kind, funny, and not malandi as you. I would tell him that huwag ka niyang saktan, ipagliban mo na yun sakin hahaha. Sasabihin ko sa kanya nandito lang ako pag binitawan mo siya. PERO DI KITA SIYA SASALUHIN NO! Mag-rejus ka muna lol. Pero pag dumating yung araw na yun, wala na yung mushy shit. I'll be there as you're awesomest platonic guy friend you have ever had. I always was right? And I think mas bagay na title yun para sakin.

I don't need to wish you for other shit. That's my letter as simple as that. You don't need anything. I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, maghanap ka ng HALAMAN. Wala akong load no? I miss you. Magkita tayo nila Tarirat okay? Balik-Rizal ako. Oh, and kung hinahanap mo 'tong linya na to, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

due

2011-10-10T08:17:00.000+08:00

This was my letter to my friend, Aice. She said that it was "share-worthy" so might as well use this as an update of some sort, or whatever. My head is in a terrible mess atm so yeah.

Minsan di ko mahinuha kung pano lumalabas sa aking bibig ang mga malalalim na salita sa mababaw na swimming pool ng aking utak.Yung pag naguusap tayo..napakasimple lang ng mga paksa na ating tinatalakay, ngunit para itong hukay sa lupa na gawa ng isang askal sa well-landscaped kong garden.

Hindi talaga kita gusto. May front ka kasi nun eh. Ikaw yung wunderkind eh. Ikaw yung pinakanegrang tao na nakilala ko sa kilos at sa gawa. Ayaw mong magpaawat. "Putang ina mo", pero parang mga ulol na aso silang lalapit sayo...as if walang nangyari. As if na hindi mo sinira ang kanilang pagkatao. As if na hindi mo pinagduldulan sa kanila na bobo sila. Diva ka nga, diva. Pero mas hustler ka pa sa diva eh.

Ganon ka naman talaga eh. Parang blessing na parang curse. Parang yung Photographic Memory ko. Yung tipong naaalala ko yung mga tao pero hindi na nila ako naaalala. Yung feeling pagkatapos nun. Masakit. Pero on the bright side, at least hindi nila naaalala yung childhood ko.

Nagbago ang lahat ng umupo tayo at natuto sa iisang kuwarto. Kumain, nagcheck ng mga test papers, tumaas ng mga kamay na parang ikakamatay pag di ka naacknowledge ng teacher-na-hindi-nationalistic-at-mahilig-sa-Duran Duran. Mabait ka pala. Di ka pala nasabihan ng gagong impostor ng lahat ng baho ko.

That's true, but I'm trying to change. Everything became tainted afterwards. Pero finally naprove ko na hindi na ako ganun. Hindi na ako yung taong inaakala nilang ako. Salamat sa pagbibigay sa akin ng tiyansa na mapatunayan yung sarili ko sayo. Salamat kasi hindi mo ako hinusgahan ng katulad ng brutal na mala-Hitler kong heckler comments sa ibang tao. Kahit na minsan gusto kitang ihulog mula sa 4th floor sa lagi mong pananadista mo sakin, eh ok lang. Siguro mahilig ako sa S&M.

Hindi ka lang ang babaeng walang lakas pag nagkakaron ka. Hindi ka lang ang babaeng may sobrang komplikadong lovelife na mas komplikado sa mga putang inang equations ni Mallari. Hindi ka lang ang babaeng kinikilig na parang dalagitang nagkakaron ng hormonal imbalance kapag nakakarinig ka ng mga "patamang" kanta.

You are more than that. In fact, I still don't know you. The reflections are vague. It seems distorted. There are still things na kailangan ko pang idiscover para makilala kita ng lubusan.

I am sorry kung hindi ko inayos yung lines ko sa dalawang plays nung high school. Hindi pa makapal ang apog ko kumpara ngayon. Bumawi naman ako sa Opening nung Noli diba? Sorry kung minsan feeling ko may kasalanan ako sayo na di ko alam. Sorry din kung di ko minsan maintindihan ang sinasabi mo. Sorry din kasi late na tayong nagkakilala. Sinamahan sana kita sa mga birthdays mo. Sana kinonvert moko sa preference kong huwag uminom(though hindi talaga ako iinom haha).

Napatunayan ko na, hindi ka nangagago. "Fo reals" talaga ang relationship natin. Nung sumulat ako ng post ko tungkol sa kailaliman ng baul ng mga emosyon ko. Natuwa ako. Actually, I shed a few tears. ON A PUBLIC PLACE. Nalaman ko na nandun ka lang talaga. Na puwede kang maging support system ko, whenever I feel like a trashbin. Because of you I've regained trust, trust in the human species. Trust that there are STILL people who are genuine. Now I know that this friendship would last. Now that I know that I can't lose you in my life. Salamat talaga, Aisilong.

fresh start

2011-10-10T07:57:00.001+08:00

I just need to make this slightly short and quick. Yeah new layout but it's not 100% done. I'm fiddling around the pages option here and will be making two more pages. Next, you'll be seeing that I'll post multiple times since I just got back my internet. Woohoo for me :D There, done.

vomit

2011-09-26T17:25:00.000+08:00

As Way Back Into Love is in the background, let me start on spurting out random words, sentences, that hopefully would make sense.I'm happy, well sorta. I learned to move on. I learned how to accept things as they are and never disrupt the flow of destiny. I learned that I should not let myself suffer, be trapped in a constant cycle, and diffuse like a spray of your mother's Eau de Parfum. I never realized that this point would come, that it would happen, that my senses be awakened. I must admit though, It's not full. There's still that fucking decimal. If I didn't trust myself having the mechanism that would make me...me, it would be stupid of me to still not to trust this. Whatever. I'll just pretend like a tumbleweed.Love was always there. I was just afraid to acknowledge her. I was just too shy to say hi. Now I'm fearless. I don't care what those lips in the background have to say. I won't listen. NANANANANANA. How would I have a life if I was a wide-eyed puppy? Carpe diem. C'est la vie.There's a growing fear. The fear of the past, meeting face to face with the present and subconsciously the future. The fair share of "Anong nangyari sayo?","Pumayat ka ata?!","Nagiba ka na!" runs in my mind like a Chinese runner. I vividly remember things. It's starting to become like a curse, more of a gift. What if I see you? How would she react? Is she mad at me? What is she telling herself? Just wait for me to become three-sixty.The feeling when you just loathe a person so much and you're denying it and telling yourself that you have a better reason/excuse why you have that feeling. Be real. Be vulnerable. Be daring. I'm sure you get the "I won't stoop down in your level"-s.

marcosian 2

2011-09-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

So bumenta ng todo ang Hitleritis approach. We started moving venues. You see, kapitbahay ko lang yung tinuturuan ko so it's very convenient for me kasi she would just knock at our place and the tutoring would commence. Ngayon, we moved upstairs. It was like a makeshift study room, well it's less of it actually. It's a vacant unit so it's hella dusty. We only have a "papag" to sit to. It also served as our table. I have plans on changing that. I'm having back pains because of it but later na 'yun. Anyways, it's the exam season on their school. So basically what I did was read her lessons so it would serve as a refresher for me since I vaguely remember the "fundamentals". After that, I would make her reviewers(the classic handwritten-in-intermediate pad-shit I've been doing since the course of humanity. Konti lang ang naaral namin. 'Pano ba naman kasi, uwian nila 10/11am tapos magsisimula kami, mga 3pm. Nak nang puta naman diba. Alm ko namang kailangan niyang magpahinga. Nanggaling na ako dun pero naman ANG HABANG PAHINGA YUN. Ok lang naman eh, sana man lang inakyat nila yung mga libro niya tapos tinuro sakin kung anong aaralin nila. Ay oo nga pala, shonga sila. Naunang inaral namin, Math. Suwerte ang loka kasi division lang ang pointers. Wish ko lang isang topic lang ang test namin kay Sir Ronnie dati. Basically, binigyan ko lang siya ng anim na items to answer. She did fairly. Ang lagi lang namang mali niya is that she gets confused kung ididivide ba, isusubtract, and such. Ang turo ko kasi sa kanya is tu use the trial-and-error method. Very easy. You just need to estimate on how many times you'll multiply the divisor in any random number that would result in having the closest answer that wouldn't go over the amount of the dividend. Paid off. Kinabukasan, I tried asking on how she did in her test. Bwisit. Nahiya pang magkuwento. Dun nafeel ko na alanganin parin siya. She hates Math, I hate it too. Pero I didn't end up like her in my elementary days. Pero I still hope that she did better compared to the last time. Then after nagging, kinuwento niya na forty items ang test and there are different variations in the parts of the test. Nasagutan naman daw niya LAHAT. Pero sa isip ko,"ang laki mo namang bulaan, teh." Next was Science, this was actually the first time I taught her in this subject. Fairly easy too. Science was one of my fave subjects pre-Chemisty. Her test covered the kingdoms of animals, vertebrae and invertebrate. As expected, three o' clock nanaman dumating. Lakas ng arrive eh. Like a boss. So I read first the books that she has and pinasagot ko muna siya ng mini-test on Filipino. Pangngalan ang topic. While I was reading, nadismaya ako. Ang panget ng libro nila. Not aesthetically, but in the substance. Super basic. Walang matututunan dito yung mga bata. Kami nga nung Grade 5 eh imported yung libro namin. Maganda ang content. Madami ka talagang malalaman. You could also read further. Nakakainis lang kasi household name yung school na pinapasukan niya tapos walang kuwenta yung materials nila for learning. Anyways, binasa ko nalang yung laman and just threw that sentiment out of the window. Since walang light source dun pag gabi, tinapos ko yung reviewer sa vertebrates. Yun lang naaral namin. Sabi ko sa kanya eh reviewhin nalang yung invertebrates sa bahay. I doubt na maiintindihan niya pero I just wished. Kinabukasan ulit, tinanong ko kung anong nangyari sa test. Okay naman daw MADALI lang yung Filipino. Medyo naniniwala ako sa kanya since she did above average in our mini-test. Ang problema lang sa kanya is that ang igsi ng vocabulary niya. She doesn't know the difference between a country and a city. Naaawa talaga ako sa kanya. Kaya if there are parents reading this entry, PLEASE, TEACH YOUR CHILDREN. TAKE TIME AND PATIENCE. Kahit man lang in their elementary days. I would benefit them HUGELY. Tinanong ko rin kung anong nangyari sa Science. Pero for formality lang yun kumbaga. Pinapasok ko lang lahat ng mga salita na lumabas sa bibig niya sa kaliwa kong tenga at pinalabas ko rin sila agad sa kanan. Di ko narin sila pinastambay sa utak ko ala-Janina San Miguel. Sumunod naman eh English naman ang inaral namin. It was easy. For the first time I finished my reviewers and my request on putting a light fixture at the unit was granted. The reviewer was pretty much a concise version of the book. Yung book na concise na at pinaconcise pa lalo to suit her. Okay na rin yun at least I get to have a refresher. Patapos na kaming magreview. Mga 7:30pm na yun. At least talagang nahasa siya para sa test para bukas kahit alam na niya karamihan. Doon lang siya nahihirapan sa Compound and Complex Sentences. Ako din naman dati. Di ako nakikinig noon. Nakakahiya kasi ngayon ko lang talaga lubusang naintindihan kung anong pagkakaiba nila. Para malaman niya yung pagkakaiba nila, pinakabisa ko ang definition ng mga terms na yun sa kanya with matching example para may sinusundan siya habang nagrerecite. Uwing-uwi na ako nun at nagugutom na. Di pa ata ako naglulunch o prutas lang ang kinain ko ng tanghalian kaya gusto ko nang sumibat. Last na ulit nalang at matatapos na kami. Pinapadifferentiate ko ang Simple, Compund, at Complex Sentences. Nabanas ako kasi ang bagal niyang sumagot. Kanina pa namin kinakabisa iyon. At I think she's doing it on purpose. Like staying on the refresher pitstops at marathons longer than a minute. Pakiramdam ko ay sumanib sakin yung nanghostage sa Quirino at binantaan kong pilasin ang FOUR-PAGE reviewer na ginawa ko para sa kanya. Walang reaction. Inulit ko ang pagbabanta, this time tinaasan ko na ang tono ng boses ko. Di parin siya sumagot. Then wala na akong sinayang na oras. Habang nakatingin siya sakin ay pinilas ko sa kanyang harapan ang pinagpaguran kong reviewer. I didn't care if people would say that I wasted my effort. In fact, it did wonders! HAHAHAHA Sumagot siya agad. Although with pauses, this time pauses were shorter and tuloy-tuloy niyang narecite ang pinarerecite ko.

marcosian

2011-09-17T12:28:00.001+08:00

So I got this job. I tutor. I teach stupid and naive children how to me intelligent and arrogant like yours truly...I kid. But seriously, it's kind of the same right. You are imparting knowledge that you have to other people. It's definitely a rewarding job. It's rewarding ESPECIALLY when you see that child gaining high marks, improving academically, and being scholastically competitive. SHET PARA NAMAN AKONG PRINCIPAL NIYAN SA PINAGSASABI KO LOLOL.Anyways, I tutor this Fifth Grader. She's statuesque considering her age. Very pretty too. BUT. She doesn't have the proper human etiquette( yung NOT holding your dirty feet, wiping sipon using your shirt, not looking at you at all...yung mga ganung bagay. Turns out here's what led her into what she is now.She had this complication when she was just 7 days old. The doctors had to perform an operation in her insides. Thus. they used this strong antibiotics, and drugs of some sort kaya naging mabagal ang pagdevelop ng understanding capacity or rather yung brain nung bata.Eto pa yung nakakainis eh. Ang pangit ng growing environment niya. Her brother does nothing. He stopped school and wastes the hours of the day just playing billiards. There's no one that could teach her the lessons in school since mga shunga shunga yung mga nasa bahay nila.And guess what, I only knew that AFTER I have accepted the job. Good job in lying guys. Pero, I thought of this experience as a challenge not only to the child I'm giving tutorials in but also to myself. Also, to be a refresher course too since my brain just shut down for the last two years of my existence.So at the first day, siyempre pakiramdaman. I opened all my senses and pretended to be a psychology student. Nakibagay muna ako at pinansin ko kung pano ang approach ng pagtuturo sa kanya. Mahiyain siya. Ako naman hindi. Matagal na akong manhid. Maybe not. But definitely, shyness lessened drastically.Una namin naging lesson...guess what? PUTANGINANG MATH! Division to be exact. I know how to divide no! Pero yung mga find the missing bullshit...YUN LANG hahahaha. So I faked everything like AICELYN and pretended that I knew the things that I said. Ang ginawa namin, yung homework nya, which is 6 items. Una kong instruction sa kanya is to answer all of them in a given time frame. By that time, hindi ko pa alam kung gaano siya ka bobols. Then lumipas ang 20+ minutes at WALA SIYANG NASAGUTAN. I swear kung puwede lang, nirecite ko na dapat ang lahat ng mura from a to z. Surprisingly, diyos-diyosan ang arrive ko nung araw na yun. I was sooo fricken patient, I didn't know where it came from. Sinaniban ata ako ng limang santo. So to sum it all up, tinuruan ko siya ng isang number at since kulang na kami sa oras, AKO na ang gumawa nung natitirang limang items. Sabi ko sa kanya, aralin niya kung paano nakuha yung sagot para mas madali na sa susunod naming meeting.Next was English...I was like....HERE WE GO! HOME TURF BITCHESSSSSS! It was helllaaa easy. Singular and Plural Forms Of Nouns...So no further explanation, just that she had hints of misses in terms of spelling some words.So fast forward ulit. I know what teaching style I would apply. No, di bebenta ang "Heavenly Approach". I used the "Hitleritis" type. Medyo brutal pero with a heart. Parang nilagyan mo ng puso yung mga putanginang commanders sa CAT na ang fake naman ng pagiging mahigpit nila. Okay naalala ko lang nung HS ako. Bwisit na bwisit ako sa CAT eh haha.TO BE CONTINUED.

julija

2011-08-26T14:29:00.001+08:00

Strike out everything you've done.

Had Beer.
Smoked an entire cigarette
Smoked a cigar
Done drugs.
~~Write on a bathroom wall.~~
Read a George Orwell book.
Had sex.
~~Had a physical fight.~~
~~Used Twitter.~~
~~Listened to Lady Gaga.~~
~~Been in a car accident.~~
Gotten suspended.
Gotten expelled.
~~Been allergic to something.~~
~~Got a computer virus.~~
Touched a real gun.
~~Had a dog~~
~~Had a cat.~~
Been pregnant.
Camped out.
~~Swam in the ocean.~~
Wore a bikini.
Driven a car.
~~Been sent to the principal.~~
~~Ever liked someone.~~
Failed a class.
~~Failed a test.~~
Went to summer school.
~~Got worse than a D~~
~~Got A’s, B’s and C’s.~~
~~Read an entire book.~~
Recorded my own music.
Had an xbox.
Worn heels more than 3 days in a row.
Wore fishnets.
Wore skinny jeans.
Been in love.
~~Hated someone.~~
Been cheated on.
Cheated on someone.
Did something sexual with someone of the same sex.
Practiced Christianity. -if that means you’re Christian? Yes.
Worn makeup.
~~Lied to my parents about where I was going.~~
~~Had surgery.~~
Had my license.
~~Been to college.~~
~~Graduated high school.~~
Attempted suicide.
Worn colored contacts.
Painted my nails black.
Broken someone’s heart.
Had my heart broken.
~~Cried for an hour straight.~~
~~Lost something very valuable.~~
~~Got separated from one of my parents as a kid.~~
Broken a bone.
Gotten stung by a bee
~~Eaten something bad/expired.~~
Threw up from being so drunk.
Saw someone throw up from being so drunk.
~~Danced with someone of the opposite sex.~~
Owned an ipod.
Owned an iphone.
~~Fell for a best friend.~~
Stole a friend’s significant other.
Went far away from home for more than a week.
Moved out.
Ran away.
Teased my brother/sister
~~Been to a hospital.~~
~~Had food poisoning.~~
Had a job.
Been fired.
~~Lied to a friend.~~
~~Lied to a family member.~~
~~Had a Facebook.~~
~~Posted a video on Youtube.~~
~~Started a rumor about someone.~~
~~Talked bad about someone.~~
Dropped out of school.
~~Deliberately failed a test.~~
Been skinny dipping.
Counted to a million.
Counted to a thousand.
Ate rabbit meat.
Ate duck meat.
~~Had fast food.~~
~~Been to Church.~~
Been to Canada.
Been married.
Had a divorce.
~~Broke a glass.~~
Hugged someone today.
Texted someone today.
Received a phone call today.
~~Threw something out of the window.~~
~~Ignored a text from someone on purpose.~~
~~Had my feelings hurt by a friend and never told them.~~
~~Wish you were somebody else.~~

phallic

2011-08-09T06:11:00.003+08:00

As the controversy of Mideo Cruz’s art installation at the Cultural Center of the Philippines on fire, I would like to jump to the pool of boiling water too.

It all started when this artist got raves in his installation art featured at several galleries or museums in different places in the world. Basically in the naked eye, the installation consists of Christian images, idols, and other religious articles with carved penises, condoms, and other “reproductive thingamajigs”. Since the show was well praised, it’s time the Filipino artist showcase his work at his homeland then things got bitchy.

Being a conservative Catholic/Christian nation that is the Philippines, it got a lot of criticism from strict observers of the faith, and of course the forever eksenadora, Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines. It’s really ironic that Cruz graduated from the University of Santo Tomas which the words “Pontifical and Royal” are attached to the complete name of the university.

As a co-Thomasian, a “liberated Catholic”, and a Filipino, here is my stand on the issue. Upon seeing the installation at the TV, I did not have a reaction. I was numb. I was blank. I knew that I need to decipher the images I saw for a couple of minutes before I say something. Then I reacted. I am a advocate of self-expression via art because I myself is a Fine Arts student however I’m not on Mideo’s side.

People close to me would desribe me as an antithesis of the average Catholic. I don’t go on masses, I don’t believe on priests, I don’t believe on heaven and hell. I believe on having a direct conversation with God. I believe that God is forgiving, even for the nastiest sinner, thus I do not believe in religion. As most of us were thought that even though there are zillions of beliefs that exists in this world, all of us have one common denominator, God.

Let’s put this case to case. First, I thought that the installation’s okay since it’s “art” however, Muslims came to mind. I recall how they truly respect and keep sacred the things related to their faith. I began to try pressing the rewind button and trying to take back what I said. Yes it’s art. Yes it’s expression but there are things that you have to put restraint to. We have to learn how to respect the religion. You don’t see any Muslim making jokes about Islam but you see stand-up comedians making sketches about Jesus.

Second. I don’t consider sex as something “special” as the Scriptures would say. It’s just sex, simple as that. The penis and the vagina are just organs. They don’t have magical powers. They just happen to be means of reproduction. It’s silly that people should only start having sex when they get married. So since that masturbation is a form of sex, then people who started masturbating should be thrown into the gates of hell. My point is that the phallic and other sexual images are “dirty”. Think of two dogs having sex outside the park. That’s why it shouldn’t be any nearer or be pasted or installed at the religious artifacts.

Third. As a rebuttal to my two points, I try to think of the other side—my artist side. Images and elements in art normally have symbolisms. There is a deeper meaning on the condom bracelets and the blacked-out Jesus eyes. That is what the average “Juan” lacks—a creative instinct. I should confess that I am still not a “full artist” because I just draw images as beautiful as possible. They are blank. They are not any different than a clean sheet of paper. I have yet to learn the art of conversing indirectly to art. Art that talks. Maybe Mideo just want to have a “conversation”. Maybe it’s not his intention to be profane, be Satanic.

Now that I laid out my points, I have gained a lot of conclusions:

When you know that you are gonna outrage people(regarding topics that shouldn’t be touched), just try to veer off of it.

Give respect to the conservatives even though they sometimes can be an ass.

Educate yourself in the arts. Artists are not “weirdos”. They just have a different medium of self-expression. Just like a closet homosexual, try understanding. That’s all we need.

So, what’s your stand? I would love to know :)

PEDESTRIAN PT.2: THEORETIC DISPUTE

2011-07-29T17:34:00.000+08:00

viewing time
tearing paper
tunnel entrance
here's your seat

small screen
kinda intimate
potty break
solitary awkwardness

dim the lights
shows starting

vintage modernity
roof spikes
utilitarian browns
low flyers

prodigal
hints of me
inside

wanderlust begins
hidden keys
recognitions
psychological voices

you'll get to know him
beat up car

deep yellows
exposure settings
wide shots
landscape

morose
barren
humid
provincial

cjndufhuiodniownfcuwecnwuic
roll the credits

green tea frozen yogurt
hershey's chocolate kisses
m&m's and diced mangoes

outdoor chitchat
click cityscape
click before devour
school talk
territories

BITCH PLEASE
and I was like
OH NO YOU DIDN'T (insert head bopping and pointer drawing a invisible s)

We had a flashback
thought I was the only one
experiencing those

it's hard
you realize
we are not people
were mere individuals
different fingerprints
different DNAs

some are saints
some are bitches
some need an attitude adjustment
some have anger management issues

don't dare change them
dare them to change themselves
dare them to look at themselves at the mirror
without screaming because of the awful sight

color swirls
mint green turns to
ondoy brown
quick
before it turns to
landslide
buh-bye
WAIT!
wipe that bowl
imma put it in my bag
kidding

subtle rainshowers
stroll at the shantys
down the landscape
bench spotting
take your places
and lets start all over again

mainstream
indie
two kinds of human beings living

sometimes its hard
you try to be different
that it feels fake already
that it feels like a silicon pad in your tits

starbucks
seriously, or is it 3-in-1?
DSLRs
seriously, or is it wedding coverage?

I miss Starbucks when it served
carrot and banana cakes
when I can only have it in the gas station
at the expressway
when Kaye Abad and her friends would go there
after taping Tabing Ilog

I miss when
everybody had
cameras with films
that we have to wait
for us to have
tangible proof

Facebook, oh Facebook
you are a genius
"Breathing is so mainstream"

I miss the times when
it was all about editing photos
adding sparkles, changing them to B/W
even sepia
putting skulls, blood, and typography

It was about creativity
about what you are feeling
about being better than others
about being YOU

sudden idea
Danica Magpantay + bokeh + swimsuits + Christmas rush
= Ayala Triangle Gardens
they flipped

Hey, Manong Guard.
he was zen
he was monk-like
he was positive

never I imagined in my wildest dreams that
guards have contagious positivity in them
good job.
smile
your family
will have a bright future ahead.

Thank you.
genuine smiles this time.
The search begins.

Umbrellas up
fascination
somber weather
bright auras

directions
footbridges
and an amazing Art Deco building

Natalie Imburglia - Shiver

about to turn left
tourists again
Welcome to Macau

left right, left right
turn
look left, look right
repeat
walk fast

were mere ants
to this big roof
sense of fulfillment
raindrops furious
jumping puddles

we made it
tourists after all
eyes replete
distorted installations
green canopies
gray skies

Alicia Keys - Unthinkable

I can survive without her
I can survive without the other her
These guys i'm with
are all I need to have
like
soap and mouthwash

paying respects and
taking another touristy photograph
just for bragging rights really

future plans
posh 724781234 spoon and forks
with a
spoonful small
of main course

down and gritty
sweltering bargain mecca

indie coffee and
living ala-Cory Kennedy

wqehyrieoqwtyrtuwetqu

in transit
few minutes left
pass the destination
au revoir
adios
paalam
bye

PEDESTRIAN PT.1: FOREVER 71

2011-07-29T17:32:00.002+08:00

as usual
waking up early
running late
preguntemos cómo se va
tamaraw bummer
world war leftover instead

as we go further
places get more familiar
flashbacks fast as the transit
i snapped and departed

second transport
chairs of the arctic
or oven house?

zippers open
quick spritzes and dabs of petrolatum
guadalupe
few minutes
you have reached your destination

send buttons and queries
blank emotions
fickle minds
npa
jumbled directions

"ginu-good time ka lang ata nila.
baka wala talaga sila dun"
I lol'd

quick spotter
I should be a
mouse hunter
her curled ends
and white t-shirt

signature awkward wave
forced smile
and a pissed face
as I approached closer

small talks over
pasta
miss t-shirt
is deceiving

pizza, pasta, bread, chicken, potato, rice
and still not satisfied.

money talk
i was aback
pasok sa kaliwang tenga, labas sa kabila

let them scratch their heads and figure that out.
solved.
turn back
a multitude
and I dawned to me
its Family(Sun) day.

I was giddy, a doe-eyed clothingphile
a out-of-the-blue invitation
someone responded
and died

on a rush
hustled
and went to a whole 'nother world
drools were overflowing
spread out like Scooby's gang
finding something that's not lost

as I go
to the deeper parts of the jungle
I became
unamused
unhappy
unsatisfied

I was supposed to be jealous
I was supposed to have kleptomaniac tendencies
I was supposed to die like Rachel Zoe

it's true:
"Here in [insert name here], you have to find a diamond in a sea of tacky"

I can easily buy a cheap fabric in Divisoria
and let someone make a shirt for me.
It would be cheaper and non-pretentious.
No further divulging.

House of Wine

2011-07-25T21:17:00.000+08:00

Upon learning that Amy Winehouse passed away, I rushed into her house to pay a visit.
It was her wake already. No coffins, no formaldehyde. She was laid in her bed probably.
There was no wingtips and beehives in sight too. She was sporting brown locks, soft curls and light coverage on the skin matched with chunky patent blue heels.
As I approached her body, I started to reach my hand to hers. No prayers, no mind-talking. Deafening silence.

It felt like I knew her. Flashbacks, vague. I felt all the things that felt then. As I was caressing her candlestick fingers, It dawned to me that I was there for too long.
Just before I depart my hands to hers, Her candlestick fingers twitched. She held my hand as if she doesn't want to let go. Creeped out but composed, I tried removing her hands to mine. Her grip wasn't tight but it's funny how I had a difficult time removing it.
After the tension, she as if turned back to her "dead" state and I was able to remove her hands to mine. I just realized, maybe we were playing Jesus and Lazarus. I brought someone out of the dead, for a while that is.

I left her room, and noticed that the staircase became winding and seem that it won't end. It was an Alice moment. Good thing I was able to leave her house.

insomnia

2011-07-17T00:35:00.000+08:00

the redhead hit me
straight to my vital organs

the stars, the moon they have all been blown out
you left me in the dark
no dawn, no day I'm always in this twilight
in the shadow of your heart

shallow tears, i tell you
maybe it's a sign
that i don't love her
in a
major major way

but i felt something
somewhat a loss
somewhat a yearning
somewhat a distance that's
close and far

its harder to move on
if in the first place
there's no
tag
nothing happened
just
admiration
giggled
and pretended
that it was nothing

as eyes begin to dry
and i hit the play button again
things rewinded
why i feel like this
the wide mouths
the cursing
the capture buttons
and the rest
that is not chronicled digitally

i should be happy
i should be content
she fell in the right place
they're perfect
like
brangelina
but then again
i see myself

singing
someone like you
when were 25

maybe after im done
incubating
ill get over it
ill have my dose of
the
imaginary painkiller
i normally have
i was overdose
now its
out of stock

now its awkward
now its different
or maybe its only me
she's fine
she's ok
i'm not

shock value

2011-06-28T09:08:00.000+08:00

rummage
rummage
then
hmmm...
let's see.
then.
@#$^%&^&#@!@#!~@%^
all of the words available in
Mr. Webster's
gone
pointblank

so it's real.
well
expected
but seriously
it's still shocking

hair
naturally long
extensions
layers
jet black

foundation day
vivid lips
almost translucent
ingenue/seductress grin

everything was different.
rustom is dead.
archived though
in his folder

well our gaydar's
working
too perfectly.
no
margin of errors.

stunned.
well it's ok
just the transition
too soon
too quick

trade shirts for
cocktail dresses
trade hair wax for
a makeup set

well its stigma
its not yet accepted
the ugly truth
there's a streotype

there are butch-es
there are femme-s
it's sad
but it's true
just how
human beings
be
judgemental assholes.
guilty.

i respect the third wheel
i really do.
well, most of the time
they are nicer than
lines

look at this
it's not written properly
it's just mind-boggling
so if you get the chance of
seeing this crap
i salute you
well actually
this makes you
more of a man than the others.

Viva Espana !

2011-06-27T00:46:00.002+08:00

our year had a vacation to spain.
so it didn't have details on how we went there, who else are there and what the trip was for.
we checked in to this swanky yet stuffy hotel that looks like the hotel where the Lanvin x H&M was shot. I believe that we filled that hotel up.

Next day, surpisingly, we were told that our tour was actually to be done by groups of 4, not by some tour guide. We are gonna make a personalized tour for ourselves. Of course, PHARRICE was formed. Not sure if Marj was there though but I remember Carla was there.

We quickly hit the streets of Barcelona and find some very taboo and voodoo stuff sold by street merchants. Most of us bought trinkets and charms made of black plastic/resin and/or bones/wood. Satisfied, we either strolled around more or ate at one of the cafe's there. Actually, Barcelona was acting like it was Paris that time sans the iconic structures that fill the landscape though.

We went back to the hotel and rested. I think the rooms were shared by two people even though our room was like a horrid mess. After that, it dawned upon us that its our last day of the trip so we left and took a transpo vehicle. We asked to drop us in a very barren locale kinda like the Run The World MV. We got what we wanted. We walked at the train tracks and I saw 2 guys infront of us. Our classmates actually. Again, no faces. I saw the tracks leading to this vintage tambakan. I asked Crian if we could go there. She was a bit hesitant coz she felt the sudden urge to poop but she joined me afterwards. Upon going there, I saw the rest of my crew just wandering around the area. There were deteriorated Spanish flaglets, old crusty books, skulls, holes, bottles and etc. There was also a Siamese cat, who seems to man the area. Aice quickly grabbed her DSLR(can you believe?!), and shouted...PHOTOSSSSHOOOOT! Me and Crian were the lab rats and she thought of us being unconventional partners stuck in barren terrain. Perfect. We wore very utilitarian looks that time. The two guy classmates that we saw earlier said that they recieved a text that we'll be leaving so we have to pack our stuff. DAMN IT! We rushed back to the hotel via the trains that were there. Funny coz the trains were the year 5623 sibling of the LRT2. What's weird that while we were in the train, I felt like it was a teleport machine since the time of getting there was longer compared to leaving. We rushed in the hotel lobby and the girls were so fast! I was left behind and I waited for the elevator. I was very impatient and I did a Vice Ganda ostrich walk to the staircase. I reached the 4th floor and saw a mini lobby with some Eva Peron-looking concierge and Moreno standing there. I quickly ran to the elevators and finally one opened going up. What's funny is that the guy manning the elevators looks like a Pinoy magtataho. He even talked to me and has a conversation. The was also a Med/Nursing student there at the lift. 6th floor and the girl left. 11th floor and I see students having their Chemistry class. The smell of the concotions that they were experimenting was mildly toxic. Then after a few floors, I ran and rushed to our room. In true Flip Paredes sense, I finished packing my stuff by a nanosecond. I grabbed by luggage and waited for an available elevator ride. I alighted to the same floor were there's a Eva Peron-look-a-like. There's Aice. She was talking to someone over the phone. I think it's her mama. She said that she was not able to buy a lot of pasalubong especially food and she'll be coming back tomorrow morning(since it was afternoon that time, around 4PM)

jitter

2011-06-22T05:24:00.001+08:00

one week after
i coped up
i adjusted
im an amphibian
just like before
it's easy
nothing is new
i've done this a long time

semi-shocked
it was ugly
its decrelict-ish
its dusty
its dark
its paranormal

it was a transition
just like moving back to
the land of the mandarambongs,
Binangonan Town Proper

it was similar in points
but has some differences

both has no air
both is ugly inside-out
both is sinister

depressing inside yes
walk down the hallway,
turn left
look outside
smile

you'll see
sequins hanging
from the atmosphere
some are white,
some are yellow,
some are red,
and some fade.

smiling
emancipating
i say to myself,
i'm so close, i can almost taste you.
wait for me
don't move
i'm gonna be there in a sec

sleeping patterns
6 sleep
1 wake
9 nap
12 wake
change
it's taking a toll
i'm weak

sorry
mister blue nylon tights
im gonna make it up to you
two times a day starting now
i promise
you see
my six babies
popping out
thank you
no
thank me

because

2011-06-22T05:24:00.000+08:00

because i'm asian
because i'm filipino
because i'm not the straightest straight guy
because i'm short
because i have stretchmarks
because i have a big nose
because i have uneven skintone
because i have pimple marks on my face
because i have stretchmarks
because i have flippers instead of feet
because i have yellow teeth
because i have hairy legs
because i have ginormous lips
because i have a disproportionate body
because i have a layer of fat on my tummy
because i have a dead radio
because i have an internet addiction
because i don't have bone structure
because i don't have a "manyak" body
because i don't have bone structure
because i don't have a girlfriend
because i don't have money
because i don't have a Blackberry
because i don't have a mythical closet
because i don't have unlimited internet connection
because i don't have my friends atm
because i don't have the luxury of visiting them
because i don't have a tight relationship with God
because i don't have my Dad with me
because i don't have 21734623746 channels on my TV
because i don't have moral support
because i don't have a bigass camera
because i don't have Adobe CS5
because i can't beatbox
because i can't rap
because i can't sing infront of people
because i can't dance
because i can't calculate numbers mentally
because i can't have things I want
because i can't express my creativity
because i can't see life positively
because i can't hear you properly that you have to repeat what you said
because i can't sit properly
because i can't eat without sitting like a monkey
because i can't understand why life is unfair
because i'm strong
because i'm different
because i'm funny
because i'm me

morong

2011-06-15T16:37:00.000+08:00

goodbye
goodbye
i dont feel sadness
i dont feel loss
im all right
well sort of
im just anxious

im so numb anyway
im used to doing this
pasig
albay
laguna
rizal
and
back
to
pasig

im used to having few neighborhood friends
i stay a lot inside
im afraid of socializing
because i know
i won't last.

im not antisocial actually
im a tsundere
yeah
google it

i actually like to think that
im pretty easy to get along with

i had lots of friends in
banlic
it's a love-hate relationship
but we manage to get along
and fix things
we treat ourselves as family
im miss those guys
tho their faces and their names
are pixelated

then
villa remedios
near to MSMSI
was the one of the most
happiest chapters of my life.
we played a lot outside
with escala
baterisna
the go brothers
and a lot of other kids.

learned how to say
tanga
and
puta
here first too.

ahh, MSMSI.
the best school everrrr.
clean canteen
rooms with a/c's
a science lab that we actually used
and of course
CIVILIZED CLASSMATES.

even though
i had the occassional "tukso"
it was all good.
i remember
garaton
"oda"
and my
school service mates
we used to go to
Burger King
for a quick drive-thru
even though
i haven't purchased anything there.
since i wasnt allowed
to bring a lot of dough.

feild trips and foundation days at school
was epic!
we treated every performance
like it was our last
either
walk like an egyptian
or
grease lightning.

oh yes, i wore a fitted shirt there
and my egyptian skirt has
zipper malfunctions.

then a rainy day
literally
we left good 'ol laguna
we were a stone's throw
to rizal's house (ot)
and moved to
RIZAL

looks can be deceiving.
beautiful SMV
BACK THEN
but when you go pass the
fairytale gate
that's the real
rizal

there were no classy people
good-mannered people at least
where
dirty ganster wannabes
who work as conductors
in jeeps
adorned with graffiti
and vibrating music seats

went to school
culture shock
my first bullying experience
care of
RIVERA.

as everyone would know
im not the streotypical guy
i dont play basketball
i dont punch people
i dont curse excessively (before)

so yeah
6th grade
first year high
skin
grew
thicker

i became
crude l
ike the people around me
the domesticated child
who was very polite to people
left the building.

i wasn't able to collect friends
like berberabe did
i'm not like her.
she collects
people
and keeps them
until they get
dusty and yellow.
user friendly much (kardashian voice here)

they didn't like me as well
prangka
secret spiller
sadista
whatever
i tried to change that
except being frank tho
i tried!

i tried being fake
in my junior year
since everybody was squeaky clean
even though their souls were reeking.
here i was making friends.
it was really easy.
even though i must admit
some of those
were the old
philip wayne.
some of it was the philip
who is in his
pokerface
all the time.

this gave me a chance
to analyze people
may mga mangagamit
may mga sipsip sa teachers
may mga plastik
may mga bully
at may mga mababait din.
but only a few like
nishino
torres
baltazar
yap
debil
manuel
rivera
fuentes
amenamen
ochia
miranda
galon is given there of course

the rest
either i forgot them
or they're your negastars.

fourth year
gave me swagger
since im a former
pilot kid.
i don't give a damn
if you hate me
hate me more
if you like me
then
that was the best decision
you've ever done in you're life

think i came in very heady though
but i had a bond with
castillo
agustin
kawai
calingo
debil
javier
cebanico
almonte somewhat
mendoza
surprisingly
verzosa
but it was in
frenemy
status.

the bball dudes and the other
"arrhe" people
didn't like me as much tho.
agustin said to me that
mr.c wasn't a big fan
of the p.

didn't care.
as if i need to please him
just to survive.
hell no.
he's just
scratch that
they're just
a speckle of dust
they'll just
float away

now i say
goodbye
morong
or should i say
rizal
ill call you morong anyway
you don't deserve to be
rizal anyway.

i became an
insensitive monster
me likes it
me doesn't like it.
slice me.

goodbye
promiscuous puberty
after being manny
thank you morong
for breaking me
and fixing me
just in time
i learned a lot
from you're stinky locale

thank you for making my skin
thicker
i need a lotion tho.
thank you for letting me see
how ugly the world is
with my then
innocent doe eyes
thank you for spewing smoke
in front of my face
thank you for letting me realize
reality
as i move on
i leave the bad memories
and carry me
and the lessons
i learned from the
mucus-filled noses of children
playing in the slums

im proud
and
ashamed
of being a
rizaleno
for
almost
a decade

cheers to that motherfucker
this is my love letter for my
foul-mouthed older brother
who teached me a lot of things
i have to know

sorry man.
you failed
on
making me
an
alcoholic
and a
smoker.
suck it up.

in the deep

2011-06-09T12:25:00.000+08:00

a very vintage dream
clear colors though
i think its set in
baguio
circa
american occupation or
post japanese occupation

some girl is finding the
burial site of his american father
we went to this uncurated cemetery
very maputik
a big stone garden actually
blurred epitaphs

the air gets thinner
and the daylight fades to black
we started to get desperate

we went to an isolated area
of the cemetery
saw a really damaged epitaph
with the name of his father in it
im not sure
i guess its pure instinct
that his father was there
or something.

a big dog approaches
a native of the cemetery
has a van dyck brown coat
and a wide jaw
he kinda understood
why we are there.

the started on going into the puddle
where the girl's father was
the dog dived into the
ondoy water
dived
dived
dived
surfaced back
dived
dived
dived
surfaced back
dived
dived
dived
and were starting to lose hope
give up
and he surfaced back
with a skull

the girl was happy
not estatic though
just happy

we went to this cave looking place
looks like a
archeological site too
guided by the dog
yellow lights
cold soil
fart aroma
and someone is in there
an expert maybe
who can help her
crack the mystery

we saw in the process
the expert laying a skeleton in the cave floor
the skeleton looks like one of a woman
it had a thick brace on the neck
and lots of brown stuff on her back
i think its corroded metal
as he was on the verge of laying her,
he broke the skeleton.
shocked
stunned
quiet
moved on

we surrendered the skull that we retrieved
told him if he can conduct a dna test
to verify
if the skull
is his father's

we left the cave
left the cemetery
and looked at it downhill.
walked
going to her house

she has a very beautiful house
dollhouse-like actually
faded colours
and saturated roses
we stayed and
had some warm chowder
over some crusty
photo albums

flush

2011-06-06T18:35:00.001+08:00

normal night
~~sweaty as hell~~
temporary water interruption
infront of the monitor
making virtual chocolate
waiting for my digestive system

morsels dissolved
click video file
and i see the 90's guy
wearing 80's tights
telling me to work
my abdominals

basic crunches
oblique crunches
toe touches
reverse crunches

masa songs start to play
waka waka
shembot

and i tell to myself
ok
here we go again.

i thought...
i thought
they were doing their business
and i was doing mine.

ignore.

side crunches
push throughs
and alas,
leg pushes.

children went crazy
i didn't mind.
i thought they were doing
something juvenile.

alternating curls
basic curls
isometrics
and
done.

close the window.
took of my sweaty shirt
and turned off the computer.

as i stood up
the children
~~cheered~~, or jeered i guess.
they were laughing
and i thought

~~shit.~~
my workout became
eight minutes of entertainment.

dedma.
and one kid.
very dark.
clearly enjoyed his summer
shouted,
kuya, ang pogi mo.

i bursted.
never in my teenage years
i heard someone
that i had ~~face value~~
of some sort.
embarrassed
but boosted my ego
kinda.

wooden staircase
stained bathroom tiles
water is back.
mother asked.
she thought i was fooling around.
and i explained.

everything else went back to normal.

sayo

2011-06-06T17:42:00.002+08:00

The asshole is back.
Still puzzled though.
I have a nine to five atm.
Infront of my rectangular-faced girlfriend
Mouse clicks and Backspace tabs
Enter buttons and Spaces

Goodbye, Moonriver.
Goodbye, Planetarium.
Goodbye, Cotton Candy.
Thank you for lending you're million ears
Thank you for the painkillers.
Thank you for being a microphone
Because sometimes,
He's not there
He's not listening
He's busy.

More entries, more crap
Pakasaya ka, Aicelyn
This, I owe to you
Thank you for being the best bitch i've ever had.
I thought you were one of those
stuck-up bitches in high.
No you're not.
You're an ocean.
~~You're not a pool.~~
And I drown everytime.
Here's for our
5
Bottoms up.

Merci: x

dad.

2011-06-03T15:38:00.000+08:00

la salle
ateneo
up
art schools i have yet to discover.
should i move out to ust.
eh parang ang sakit sakit kasi,
parang gusto nila ako lahat na mawala.
eh sorry sila.
ipaglalaban ko to.
mahirap.
medyo i feel the urge of giving up.
well not really
parang yung feeling na pinagsisiksikan mo yung sarili mo
pero you kinda don't belong.
as long as may chance, ill own it. ill devour it.
if i ran out of chance, lipat.
and ill hold a grudge to ust.
fuck university of santo tomas
thats what ill say kung di ako matanggap.
dalawang taon lang akong nawala.
walang pera.
di nila naiintindihan.
yung mga bobong mayayaman, paeasyeasy lang.
ako nagpapakamatay just to get back.
putang buhay to.

pag di nila ako tinanggap,
ill swear. magaaral parin ako.
ill be famous
ill be a rockstar
ill be a household name.
and ill scream infront of their faces
IT FREAKING SUCKS TO BE YOU.
HERE'S FOR THROWING ME OUT OF THE BUS.
FUCK THIS UNIVERSITY.

tao ako. di ako santo.
nagagalit ako, nasasaktan, minsan di nagpapatawad.
masakit eh.
parang sinasaksak ka ng paulit-ulit.
gusto mo nang mamatay
pero newsflash, buhay ka pa.

I have to thank God though.
siguro kung di ko naranasan maging
Manny Villar
di ako magiging isang matatag na nilalang.
i have to pay the price though.

wala na ang masayang bata na si nonoy.
puro galit at himutok ang pumalit sa aking mga ngiti.
hindi mo magawang sigawan sila kasi sayo babalik lahat

me against the world
i never knew that ill be an island
loner ako.
pero sinusubukan ko naman ah.
babagsak nanaman ako sa dati.

i miss you so much dad.
you have no idea how much i love you.
tears start to gather.
letters start to blur.
you were my security blanket.

kahit na ang daming bullshit na ginawa mo
bakit ganon
mahal parin kita.
ang daya.
gusto parin kitang yakapin.
mahal na mahal talaga kita dad.
happy fathers day.
miss ko nang bigyan ka ng wallet every fathers day

nagusap kami ni God.
sabi ko pinapatawad na kita.
kasi you are a part of my being.
kung wala ka
wala ako.
cliche.
pero totoo.

ilang years na.
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006

di na tayo nagkikita.
kaya pagnapapaginipan kita,
umiiyak ako lagi.
bakit lagi kang lumalayo.

panghahawakan ko ang pangalan natin.
proud ako maging isang paredes
kahit na inaamag na ang apelyido natin.
ill treat everyday as if it was the last.
gagalingan ko.
showdown kung showdown.

i swear, youll be proud of me

i know you are.
that's why everytime i think of you,
im in happyland.
kryptonite too.
ask me to stab myself,
ill do that.
ganon kita kamahal.

mahal din naman kita mama.
its just that.
nangungulila lang talaga ako
kaya siguro naging gay-ish ako.
kasi wala akong father figure.
i blame myself.
ayokong maging ganito forever.
gusto kong maging normal.
para kasi akong tainted na lalaki.

sana lang maibalik ko yung times na
umuuwi ka sa condo
kumakain tayo ng meryenda
buo yung family
puno ang chairs.

never kang nagalit sakin
never mong nakita ang mga kabobohan ko
never mong pinaramdam sakin na talunan ako.
salamat daddy.
mahal na mahal kita.
gusto kitang yakapin alam mo ba.
gusto kong makita mo na tao ako.
umiiyak, na di ako perpekto.
na forever, na never na mapupunan ang loss mo.

lumaban ka para sakin
pero gusto kong magpahinga kana
buwisit na mga relatives yan
you dont deserve this.
mahal kita dad.

hintayin moko.
yayakapin kita ng mahigpit
kukuwentuhan kita ng mga nangyari sakin
lahat lahat
pati ang mga kapintasan.

ang alat na ng aking mga labi.
gusto ko pang ituloy to

sana sa afterlife ko,
ikaw parin ang daddy ko.
babawi tayo sa mga taong lumipas.
pero natatakot ako
baka pag nangyari yun
malaman ko kung sino ka talaga
kamuhian pa kita.

huwag nalang.
hahayaan ko nalang na mamatay ako sa uhaw
ng presence mo.
hahayaan ko nalang na goodshot ka sakin.
hahayaan ko nalang na forever kang maging
drive ko to be a better person.

salamat sa pagpapalakas ng loob ko daddy.
kahit na isa kang cutout sa picture ng buhay ko.
iguguhit ko nalang ang mukha mo sa puting puwang na yun.
kukulayan ko ng masasayang kulay ang aking ginuhit.

sana in one way or the other,
kung di man ako makakabalik
matulungan mo akong magdecide
kung anong way ako dadaan.

puwede mo ba akong dalawin mamayang gabi sa aking
panaginip
yakapin mo ko
magusap tayo
kukuwentuhan kita
huwag ka nang magkuwento.
gusto ko lang magbonding tayo.
never pa kasi natin yun nagagawa eh.

promise ko sayo,
pag naging daddy na rin ako tulad mo,
lagi kaming magbobonding ng mga anak ko.
babawi nalang ako sa kanila.
ikukuwento kita sa kanila
kung bakit ikaw ang pinaka "the best"
na dad sa buong universe.

salamat sa pagtanggal ng galit
na namumuo sa aking puso
alam kong lalaki nanaman tong putang to
pero salamat kasi pinagaan mo ang aking
nararamdaman. salamat salamat

happy father's day daddy!
mahal na mahal kitaaaaa. *hugs*

2/4/11

2011-02-06T16:42:00.001+08:00

Five SCENES ALL IN ONE DREAM.

1.Went to school dripping with swear so I went to the 4th floor and into the washroom. I began to remove my sweaty uniform and started to tidy up.
2.Doing environmental work at a certain river in Malolos, Bulacan. I belive it was near Biak na Bato. After cleaning a section of the river, we found out that we don't have
any ride to go back.
3.Math class with Mallari. It was a quiz where you can either answer it or not. Georgina (GOD, why is she in my dream? haha) and I were not listening--we were singing True Colors that time haha.
I opted not to answer the quiz. When it was checking time already, we found out that Georgina was third with 36 out of 40 items.
4.Ronnie's class. It was time to check a long test. We went to this random house.
Sir opened up the gate which was teal in color( the green teal) and had a stencil flower design of some sort since the gate had no openings. We were astonished to see a very old acacia tree greeting us upon entering. Sa sobrang laki ng branches, nagsilbi na siyang roof sa open area. The foliage looked like floating emeralds.
Our class then entered the 2nd floor where we will have our classes. He started giving oout the long orange envelopes that contained our test papers. As I'm finding a seat, noticed that the chairs had numbers in them so I tried finding Chair #28. Unfortunately, the seat was saved by Cham (DAYA!) so I didn't get to seat there.
The test that he gave was very elementary with four parts and more or less 25 items.
5.Went home and talked to the caretaker of the apartment were staying at. She said that the daugther that she was also taking care of wanted to see me.
The daughter was in her 6's to 8's. I was a bit hesitant since I didn't want to see his father. Going to the house, which was really spacious and had marble flooring with an aura of an 80's-era Pinoy home. Going to the kitchen, the caretaker called the father saying that it was time for his dinner (Panira amp.) His meal was a high stack of Skyflakes with tomatoes and lettuce.
He really enjoyed the meal since he was munching the makeshift sandwich like a pig. After that, he called my attention saying that he wanted to show something. Apparently, he was a famous ice cream maker at the 70's. He made me a miniscule Pineapple-Coconut popsicle that looked like a cartoonish rocket.
The daugther called me and showed me a map at the laundry area. She asked me if I want to join her on where the map might lead us. I agreed.

2/3/11

2011-02-06T16:41:00.000+08:00

Started studying again. We had a lot of subjects kinda like HS but a notch higher. We also had a challenge week so we can establish our rapport with our fellw classmates.
One challenge was to pass an egg to one adjacent room, by using the windows on the other room. The team mate has to jump from the window down.
I complained since the rain that time just stopped and the tiled floor was full of puddles. The person I was talking to=Jesse Robredo (LOL!)
He ordered to stop the challenge. We also had note taking at the banks of the Hwang He(That's the name of the river in my dream) river in China for our Science class.

2/2/11

2011-02-06T16:37:00.000+08:00

*This is only a part of the gazillion scenes of the dream I had :)

Strolling with Crian in a rustic and 200-year something church. There were a few people outside the church and the priest was about to go outside as well.
As we are about to leave the church, we head to a somewhat hole-in-the-wall place. It seems that it was an old European cemetery.
Upon entering, I saw two coffins: one black and one brown--both with gold adornments piled on each other on top of a crypt. I mischeviously planned on lightly pushing my friend
near the coffins to scare her. As we approach the coffins, I pushed her near the coffins and she ran her way outside the necropolis. After the mad dash, she slapped me at my shoulder.

1/28/11

2011-01-30T17:20:00.001+08:00

I alighted from a jeepney in some place I'm familiar with but I couldn't pin-point where. I saw my HS Biology teacher and greeted her. She offered me to go to the mall so we can have some catching up. When we rode the escalator, my phobia in heights started to trigger since the ride was very long and the angle of the escalator was very steep. I almost fell when we were beginning to reach the top.
I continued walking and I noticed that the person I'm with was gone. Then I was my HS Values teacher and rode the escalator again and the same happened. Fast forward and I was at the ground floor again at a magazine stand. While talking to the saleslady, I saw Pat and Leo. I greeted them and we had our kamustahan and chika portion. The two asked if it's ok if I join them to go to their friend's house.
I met the guy and we started to click. We rode a FX going home.

1/26/11

2011-01-30T17:19:00.003+08:00

Having a vacation in a resort that looked like (and as big as) the Louvre with my mom and some friends.

1/23/11

2011-01-30T17:19:00.001+08:00

The dream had some tinges of Jimmy Neutron in it. I visited a HS friend in her dorm to have some catching up. Apparently, there were other people as well. I learned that some artista friend of mine, gave us a post-Christmas basket. It had a can of lychee and white peaches, a jar of hummus, strawberry whipped cream, kaong, pistachio cream, and a lot more of post fruit salad-ish stuff
Mom decided to give some to my tita since the basket had a lot. As far as I know, my tita had little for their party so we thought of giving the extra to them. I was waiting for a ride when Christina Bartges offered a ride in her tricycle (how random). We went to my tita's apartment. She opened up the door and asked her to pick half of what the basket had. While they were picking, I got back to the tricycle to get something but when I came back, they got more items and were left out with the unappetizing stuff.
I got angry and started on planning a "resbak". I sneakingly entered the house and saw Dad in a deep slumber in a very posh sofa. When I proceed to their kitchen, I found out that they didn't really need the things we gave since they already had many. I grabbed 90% of the stuffed they got. Good thing tita was at the T&B that time. I heard her calling her daughter asking to turn off the TV. I ran away before anyone catches me. I thanked Cristina for the ride and for being patient :). Me and my friends arrived via a mini-plane at the party in our house.

1/21/11

2011-01-30T17:18:00.000+08:00

I was with this blonde Jersey Girl giving advice since she has alcohol issues ala- LiLo (Now, a Dr. Phil moment). At that time we were at the open corridor of a four storey building facing the shore (could this get any more redundant?).
She didn't take my advice well and she looked like she's running amok. I'm not sure if I had a gun that time since I somewhat remember having one that time and I pulled the trigger to make her shut up. We cursed each other until her silhouette faded to the shore.
After that, I heard gunshots. One old man shouted to his men to inspect the building to look for the suspect. I felt cold and all the blood in my system was drained out. I walked away nonchalantly to the staircase where my mom and some carpenters were so no one could notice.
They were renovating a room since it looked really old-fashioned and ho-hum. I saw the owner approach and apparently was leaving. He asked me to join him. He was going to his son's house. I began giving advices (again) on being fair to the tenants of his building over a kebab of some sort that has a whole banana and dried fish.

1/20/11

2011-01-30T17:07:00.000+08:00

Went to a computer shop with my close friends. One of them brought her then boyfriend.
We rode a tricycle going there. The road had a lot of sharp turns and narrow roads. At the computer shop, someone really special to me hugged me very tight for a long time (LOL).
After that, everybody was invited to join a Corned Beef Eating Contest. The four people who would eat the most would receive prices. The meat was as big as half of my arm (That sounded wrong).
Unfortunately, I lost that game. Supposedly, I was about to go home but I saw the other contestants leaving as well so I thought of going back and pretending that I would take their place.
The others who were still there were inside a room full of religious artifacts. A priest was giving a tour to them that time. He brought out another challenge on who could count the correct number of artifacts inside the room.
With a pen and a notepad handy (Blues Clues moment there), I started counting the artifacts. No one really was eager to do the challege so I won that challenge. Sadly, no prizes for this guy.

1/18/11

2011-01-18T15:01:00.004+08:00

Having a great time at Africa with mom a middle-aged guy, a girl who was about my age, and two little boys but I felt that we occupied all the seats in the FX we are riding. The driver apparently, was the Singing Bee dude. As we are passing by a long and wide bridge, a huge van, which was black and had tinted windows, blocked the way. Our driver managed to move out of the obstruction. Our ride turned right. The view changed from a wild river into a lush jungle at the left and a calm river at the right. While we are enjoying the sights, two vans, which looked like the previous one who blocked us, did the same and again our driver managed to maneuver his way to escape the annoying vans. I was beginning to think that our driver knew that that would happen and no one took notice. After that, our ride went to the Tarzan-esque part of the jungle. The road suddenly was split into two. The left side was narrower than the right. Our driver chose to pass the wider road. The same thing happened with three big vans blocked our way. Our driver u-turned and chose the narrower road. Now, four vans made a barricade together with the three that we escaped at the wider road. Goons began to roll down the windows and flashed their big firearms. They started shooting our van and everybody was panicking. All of us were ducking so nobody gets hurt. Turns out that the van we are riding was bulletproof. After the madcap shooting, everybody wanted to go back to the place we checked in which was an abandoned hotel turned into an apartment.

Together with the girl I’m with in the trip; which had long, flowy locks with bangs, and the two kids, we find ourselves at the seashore. As the balmy winds caress our cheeks, I notice a weird object flying. As it came nearer and nearer, we figured out that this was a hot air balloon with its balloon shaped like an animated monkey head. Before the balloon passed our heads, a monkey jumped off it and talked to us. Seemingly, the monkey turned out to be a military general of some sort. He said that Africa’s people would be divided into four groups namely: 1, 2, 3, and 4. The 1s are the highest in society and had a lot of perks whilst the 4s were the lowest. We quickly went to the place we were staying. Our rooms were switched to fit the new laws that people would be classified into groups. Mom and I were 3s so we got an okayish room. The girl and the small kid were 2s while the other kid was a 3.

1/16/11

2011-01-18T15:01:00.002+08:00

My mom and I are going from UST to a certain mall near the area. We rode the jeep going there but halfway, bawal na daw pumunta doon so bumaba lahat ng tao. We rode another jeep going to a famous mall in the Pasig area. We saw my friend and her sister in a fête, well dressed and all black. I saw myself clad in a black-on-black attire as well in the jeepney waving to them that seemed like a hello and goodbye. We brought a massive laptop with us and asked the passengers if they know what’s wrong with it since it wasn’t functioning well the last time we used it. No one knew.

We alighted and went inside the mall. I think we separated in purpose. I went straight to the department store’s Men’s section and got myself to the very remote area of the place. The place looked like a very cheap mall with dim lighting and ugly merchandise.

Going home, the maid and I get off the jeep and walked to the wide road in the middle of the vast rice paddies, which lead apparently to our house. We brought with us chickens that would eventually lay eggs.

1/15/11

2011-01-18T15:00:00.004+08:00

living in a mansion that we didn’t own. We lived there with the owner, which as a guy 10 years older than me, my mom, and two maids, which surprisingly was our maids, back then. The mansion looked like the one in Lily Allen’s The Fear video with a wide staircase ala-post office. We left the mansion for a while to do something outside, together with my mom and one maid. Going home, we saw a lot of divisoria-ish kalye merchants who are selling bagsak presyo clothes. As we change direction, we saw this huge open-air store, which looks like the cheaper version of the Gap. I exclaimed on buying something there when I have the money. As we come nearer the mansion, we saw how the sunset made Laguna Lake look like liquid gold. Surprisingly, the sunset was fading fast to a somber black. Mom knocked at the door w/c is a thick, tinted glass type that most small houses have. The other maid opened the door and while mom was talking to her, I danced stupidly at the background with no reason.

As we stand at the top of the wide staircase, Mom noticed the houses around have little to no open area. She said that she would buy a lot here and build a house that is spacious at the front. While scanning to the string of houses, I took notice of this very minimalistic white house. I exclaimed, “‘Ma ang ganda 'o! Wala pang bubong”. We went to the house to see the interiors. Oddly, the doors were open. Upon entering, I noticed that there was a washing machine turned on which gave the house an underwater atmosphere with the swirling scent of detergent in the air. I also saw a sack of cement at the floor. Mom said, ano ba yan pag pasok pa lang, sala na.

Going back at the mansion, we saw André Felix (Mom would always rant about this guy being makulit in the morning show he’s in). He was blabbering about a “goldbird” in front of us. It kinda looked like a mix of the bird in the background and a chicken. It has a fat body but with long legs.
He wanted to rip the goldbird’s leg. I told him that it was very shallow of him to do that. He compsed himself and realized what he was thinking was stupid.

1/14/11

2011-01-18T15:00:00.003+08:00

going with my niece to buy food & things for a get together party in some house. going to the grocery; I bought my vanilla ice cream which is already melting, a ridiculously thick FHM magazine, and I thing I forgot. I asked the grocery clerk if I could place the ice cream in the freezer in a while but he refused.

We checked in a very cliché and moldy hotel for a couple of hours. I went straight to the bathroom to shower and poop. We asked friends to come by and have a house party.

FF I was in a room I was familiar of but not quite. The room looked like someone ransacked and trashed the area. I was talking that time to an old woman that I don't know.

FF I saw a famous love team climbing up the roof of an unfinished house since the AFP was chasing them. I think they eloped.

1/13/11

2011-01-18T15:00:00.001+08:00

witnessing the infamous lion head in Baguio being knocked down since a lot of people complained of it being ugly. Fast forwarding, the new lion head is mt. rushmore meets Aztec ruins with gold specks.

1/12/11

2011-01-18T14:59:00.000+08:00

being struck by a 7000-terawatt (if there is a word) lightning, miraculously surviving, and having a lesion at my right shoulder resembling an erupted volcano.

crapalooza

2010-06-18T21:09:00.002+08:00

I has to fix my blog. It's too dark and very me which is not good(most of the time). Plus, I am transforming it to look very default-ish with less of the bullcrap haha.

new week, new day

2010-06-07T05:44:00.002+08:00

Here's something to start the day right. :)

post-process

2010-06-05T22:29:00.004+08:00

Another "reblog" if you want to put it that way. Madonna goes au naturel in the Louis Vuitton campaign ad photo shoot.

Photo's from Bryanboy's blog

Ready for the close-up

The result,

As far as I know, she's not the face of LV anymore. She's been replaced with a younger model. I have nothing against Madonna but at her age, she should stop doing fashion ad campaigns.

color theory

2010-06-05T17:14:00.002+08:00

I was bloghopping and saw this "quiz" at Mich's LJ. I was a bit curious about what kind of web quiz it will be so I followed the link and answered.

The quiz was about you're personality. What is the composition of the things that make or shatter you as a person. Now that's deep. Here is my result.

Your rainbow is shaded violet.

What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Freakishly true. Haha.

heyday

2010-06-03T00:58:00.004+08:00

Now for some eye candy. Grabbed these photos from Mo Twister's blog. This was Manila back then. I hope it still is now so I don't have to cover my nose when I'm going to Recto haha.

anong petsa na?

2010-06-01T08:43:00.002+08:00

Give a top 10 list of things that makes you happy:

1. Money!!!
2. The Internet
3. Memories :)
4. Friends.
5. Food
6. Fashion blogs. I'M HOOKED!LOL
7. Shooting stars, the Manila skyline, and the boats passing Laguna Lake.
8. Dancing when nobody's home. HA! I dance.
9. Everyday inspirations
10. the My Music folder of my computer lol!!!

Give a top 5 list of trivia about yourself

1. I love walking around the house with my undies when I'm all alone. There I said it haha!!
2. I still think that I'm fat even though I know that I'm very slim compared when I was still little haha.
3. I don't stop talking 'til I get my point.
4. I don't know how to operate a DSLR even worse a Digital Camera. Thank God for Yane :))
5. I unconsciously talk to myself.

3. Share the award with only 5 persons and ask them to do the same thing.

THEY.ALL.DID.IT.SORRY. lmao!!

4. Link the blog of the person who awarded you.

I forgot where I copied this. Sorry.

spring cleaning

2010-05-22T05:42:00.005+08:00

Finally had our internet connection. I can actually start now making my IMVU products so I can have my allowance and not depend on mom ha! I just need a bank account so things will turn out smooth. I just started on getting inspirations from different websites on what clothes and items for IMVU that I am going to sell. And I got tons of it. Problem is that I grabbed lots of things and this made my computer look messy. I have separate files in my Desktop, my USB, and my two drives. Then I concluded to find applications to sort things and pause for blogging for a short while to concentrate on developing products.

USED TO…USED TO IT

2010-05-19T04:11:00.000+08:00

I’ve always been the kind of person being critical at hiself when it comes to his physical attributes. Oh yes I have flaw like everybody else, but mine are most prominent. I have a big nose, blemishes on the cheeks, uneven skin, stretchmarks because of weightloss and the list goes on and on. So when I started on capturing photos on my phone, I made sure to find my “angles”, the good sides of my face. I would take a hundred photos and never stop on taking some more until I find the “one”.

I kept on thinking that since I’m going to broadcast my face to the world wide web, might as well make it ok. Then I discovered Photoshop. This was the perfect tool on altering my photos. I usually smudge my blemishes so it would fade away. I was not a fan of the “healing brush tool” though.

Fast forward to 2010, I learned to embrace my assets and flaws. I take pictures making funny faces and my “angles” were at the back of my mind. I’m more loose and liberated when it comes to this. But I’m not satisfied. Maybe I’m going to undergo surgery and get some parts fixed.

Skeptic

2010-05-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

When I started Photoshop-ping again, I decided on playing around old photographs. The majority was the captured moments in my 4th year in high school. I still had my cell phone then. The very basic 2-megapixel camera, which I hate because of the ugly quality but I’m ok with it. I was dubbed as the section’s paparazzo. I love taking shots of my classmates in their unguarded moments. I remember that I always hear “Burahin mo yan!” and “Ano ba!” still I don’t care even though that I am not close with the majority of my classmates. Asar siguro sila sa’kin kasi lagi akong nakikipag-argue kapag di maganda yung suggestions nila. I’m ok with it. I didn’t have much friends like Miji. I would like to think that I’m polarizing. It’s either you love me or despise me. I carried that on until the end of my high school days. It never concerned me so much to talk to them and ask what’s wrong.

Fast-forwarding, all of my edits are uploaded in my Facebook account. I don’t know if they would hate the pictures since when I uploaded pictures at our section’s Friendster profile, few paid attention. Bahala na nga. Magalit sila kung magalit. Kung ayaw nila edit ide-delete ko nalang. Kung natutuwa sila, gagawa pa ko. I opened my Facebook page yesterday and saw lots of comments particularly on the photo where most of our boys were there. Buti nalang nagustuhan nila. I thought they were going to ignore my uploads.

I don’t really know if it’s a sign that they are not iffed with me or not. Hopefully they aren’t

IMPOSEr

2010-05-09T17:35:00.001+08:00

I am so guilty of this.

I was known for being organized when working into stuff. I’m not OC when it comes to cleaning though. Modesty aside but my highschool classmates appoint me when it comes to group works. It’s a good thing for me because I know that they trust me in this matter. I remember our project for the 2nd Quarter in English 4 we were asked to make a mini-TV show about the Olympics. I did the visuals and the script. My groupmates reported and researched topics related to the issue. Everything was planned out perfectly. From the images, the flashcards of the reporters, and to the positioning of the reporters.

It has to be perfect. It has to have a wow factor. It has to be the best. I hate rejection. That’s why. That feeling when you worked your ass off on a certain thing and eventually people don’t like your work. It is very painful. I admit that I’m not the best but I try to be better each day. Better than everyone. I love ego boosts. But I don’t like being boastful so I keep things to myself.

MANNERISMS :

I don’t wear slippers upstairs since the slippers carry dirt from outside.

I don’t like opening windows.

I pound garlic cloves so its easier to peel off.

I don’t put the food that I fry all at once. I put them by batches.

I remove dirt from my feet using soiled clothes.

I label my files using weird names like “idsfhfiuawud”.

I raise my legs unto the chair when eating.

How about you? Are you also a victim?

DOPPELGANGER

2010-05-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

Okay. There are those individuals who push up their envelopes in becoming different and unique from everyone else. Then there’s the copycats, posers and fakes who imitate these individuals.

Obviously, you know who I am talking about this time. It’s the issue of our beloved Gagita and the copycat that is Xtina. This has been going on for a while now. Christina Aguilera is allegedly copying Lady GaGa’s style. I remember this same issue way back. It just died all of a sudden because Xtina is away from the spotlight. C’mon, we know the girl from Genie in A Bottle. She’s very creative and is also considered as a fashion chameleon. But as Lady GaGa conquers the music and fashion scene, here’s Xtina wearing the exact outfits that GaGa wears. Aguilera continues to deny this issue and said as far as I know that it was a “coincidence” and “an accident”.

Christina Aguilera finally bursted. She said that she hasn’t heard of GaGa and she said that she doesn’t know if GaGa was a lady or a man. That’s plain stupid.Definitely, you’re not yourself tonight. Try quitting your music career. Your moment is over.

THE THING ABOUT: JUSTIN BEIBER

2010-05-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

CONFESSIONS:

When I first heard of One Time, I thought that a lesbo was singing the song (since the singer sounded like a girl and the song is about a girl too).

I thought that his last name is Beaver.

I thought that he is way younger than me.

Oh, yes. That’s what you get when you don’t have an internet connection to google upcoming beings. Good thing I was not the only person who is thinking the same. Actually, I like his songs. I don’t love it but I like it enough. I suddenly hated him when I heard of Baby. The song is stupid. I once mocked him singing the song and my friends laughed. Pretty retarded lol. I don’t really get why people say that he’s only 6 and stuff. He is not the Jonas Brothers-plus-Zac Efron-looking guy. In fact, he has these good and bad angles of his face. I remember seeing him in a magazine cover laughing. That’s when I said, “Ano ba yan, distorted yung mukha. Haha” No wonder he ranted about his cover photo on Twitter. He looked stupid there. Good thing he knows.

A few hours ago as I’m playing with my Photoshop, I heard about a DJ ranting about Beiber. The issue was about Justin going back to school. The DJ said that it would be better if he goes back which I agreed. He further explained that he doesn’t want Beiber to be those stupid American kids who doesn’t know anything. He also opened about a time when a paparazzi if I'm not mistaken asked Justin something to do with Germans. Justin replied, “What’s German?” LOL!

This is sounding more like an “I Hate Justin Beiber” post. I don’t hate him and I am not obsessed with him either rofl. It’s just weird.

alas!

2010-05-03T01:49:00.002+08:00

Finally! I have installed my CS2 after a year. Imagine that. When I was opening the application, I had a bit of hestiation since my skills are rusty hahaha. I just opened my past works in .PSD and played with them. It was my refresher on stating to “edit” again. Next, I opened old photos and spruced them up. That’s the only thing I can do for now since I don’t have designer fonts and an internet connection to begin with. Photoshop and Internet cannot be separated. My works are in my Facebook page. Go search.

EDIT: I just downloaded my CS3 Master Collection. I particularly have EVERYTHING to start doing textures for IMVU. I have no excuse of slacking off now. Give them dollars baby!

JEJEMON

2010-05-02T14:55:00.000+08:00

Una sa lahat, hindi ako sang-ayon sa gawaing ito dahil ito ay hindi lamang pagbaboy sa wika kundi pangbaboy sa lahing Pilipino.

Sisimulan kong ibulatlat ang aking mga kalat-kalat na karanasan tungkol sa “jejemon”. Naaalala ko ng ako ay tumungtong sa aking pangalawang taon sa hayskul ay nauso ang pagtawa sa text messages ng “jeje”. Nauna ko itong narinig sa aking kaklase. Noong una ay nakakatuwa itong pakinggan. Hindi ko naman itinatago na dati ay ginamit ko itong nasabi na kataga nguit madalang. ‘Di naglaon ay medyo nalaos ang “jeje” at bumalik ang pagtawa sa text sa paraang haha. Noong mga panahong iyon ay hindi pa nauuso ang mga “jejemon”. Wala pa ito sa bokabularyo nating mga Pilipino sa “pop culture”.

Pagdating naman ng aking huling taon sa hayskul, ay nakatagpo ako ng mga kaklaseng nagtetext sa paraan na ito: “eow puh…kmusta na keo?? eat ur brkfst ha??? don’t skip ur meal”. “I luv u bheibiee quohhh”. “ghieee ehmmm”. Mawalang galang na sa mga matatamaan pero naging mababa ang tingin ko sa mga taong nagtetext sa ganitong paraan. Kahit madalang lang akong magpadala ng mensahe sa cellphone ay sinusubukan ko parin ma maintindihan ito ng babasa. Mas mapapatawad ko pa ang mga nagbabawas ng letra sa mga salita sa text para hindi maputol ang mga mensahe. Mayroon pa ngang iba na tinatadtad ang mga text ng mga letrang z, x, at s. Pero ang pinakamalala ay kung hinahaluan na ito ng mga numero.

Naalala ko na minsa’y may nakapagkuwento sakin na isang malapit na kaibigan ng may “magcomment” sa “blog” ng isang sikat na anak ng kilalang artista ay sinagot niya ang nag komento. “What are you talking about? I can’t understand what you said.”

Nauso din ang “gay lingo” o “swardspeak”. Dito nanggaling ang mga salitang: echos, chuva, eklavu, kembular, at charing. Noong una ay isa itong “taboo” sa mga Pilipino dahil may paniniwala tayo na kung sabihin ito ng isang “straight” na lalake ay kakahulugan na siya ay isang bading. Ngayon, halos lahat ng Pilipino ay pamilyar dito ay napaghahalo ang “gay lingo” sa araw-araw na komunikasyon. Hindi ako tutol sa ganitong klase ng “lingo” dahil kahit na humihiram tayo ng ibang salita sa iba’t-ibang lenguahe para mabigyan ito ng kakaibang kulay sa mga pangkaraniwang salita.

Tinuro sakin ng aking propesor sa Filipino na upang maging mayabong at mayaman ang isang wika ay dapat itong magbago at mag-adapt sa panahon. Patunay dito na ang “jejemon” ay isang parte ng pagiging mayaman ng isang wika. Ngunit sa aking palagay ay hindi ito kaayaaya sa mata at sa pandinig kaya’y dapat tayong maging huwaran sa bagong henerasyon para huwag itong tularan.

THE THING ABOUT: OWL CITY

2010-04-29T02:40:00.000+08:00

The first time I get to taste his kind of music was when I was browsing profile pages in a certain social networking site. I quickly fell in love to that song. I can’t remember that certain song since it was approximately a year ago when I first heard the song. Anyways, I quickly clicked the VideoDownloadHelper plugin in my browser to instantly download the song and enjoy it without having to visit that certain page. I also remembered that I downloaded a similar track but by a different artist. It’s called Decipher Reflections if I’m not mistaken.

I have virginal ears when it comes to listening to songs that are bombarded with figures of speech. Also, an amazing thing about his music is that he manages to inject words that you won’t think that it’ll end up in a song. Words like manta ray, seahorse, albatross, fireflies, twilight, lighthouse and many others. Another is the melodies that he concocts. Most of his songs has a chockfull of fantasies. The music is like eating sweets also the aura creates this dream sequence that you experience with open eyes.

I was hooked. I googled more about his music. Then, I find myslef landing on his MySpace profile. The playlist there was a great opportunity on listening more of his crafts. After one or two songs, it felt to me that I was beginning to feel sick like when you eat too many sweets. I admit some of his songs went way out of the border. It sounded gay. Suddenly I had this change of heart and started to veer off his songs.

I remember the time when I borrowed my friend’s iPod. Browsing through the tracks and saw a song or two by Owl City. I asked her, “Bakit may ganito ka?” I forgot what she answered but I replied back to her, “Yuck! Kadiri.”

After a few months, I heared a familiar aura of dreaminess. Next thing I knew, I was dancing around Owl City’s new track called Fireflies. I became a fan all over again. This didn’t cross over the line unlike some of his songs. Then it was followed by Vanilla Twilight. I especially liked the like in the beginning that goes like this: “Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.” Just recently, I heared an old track coming from him if I’m not mistaken. I heared Hello Seattle for the second time. This reminded me of the reason why I loved his music.

BORROWED HEAVEN

2010-04-29T01:51:00.000+08:00

Tonight is different. Totally reversed. Heaps of cotton balls were covering the white dots in the atmosphere. The big yellow mirrorball appears then suddenly disappear.

Surprisingly, I find myself feeling drowsy in the early hours of the night considering that I woke up minutes before Showtime ends. Just a typical day. I ate, ran up and down the stairs, play Hearts on the computer, listen to the radio, bathe, watched TV, pray, and sleep. It’s basically a routine I lived and breathed for months now. Just like the typical 9 to 5, I equate myself as the average whining office employee. There’s nothing new in my life. There would be sparks of it but it fades quickly much like an illusion.

Just before I go to sleep, a random thought slipped to my mind. I remembered that someone gifted me a “burned” CD of The Corrs’ Borrowed Heaven. It was given to me when I was still in the 6th grade. It was really meaningful since I grown up loving their songs. We used to play the CD in our school service and sing along. I have to admit that I don’t know some of the titles in the album since it is not labeled. Favorites would be Angel, Long Night, Hideaway, and the undying Summer Sunshine. Playing the CD again for a long time injected positive energy onto my system.

MOONSHINE

2010-04-28T15:22:00.000+08:00

I just talked to Him before I started on composing this entry. We actually talk about the “current situation”. I’m planning on giving this certain person a gift. It’s not the tangible or material kind. I would probably gift people material things but I prefer to write them letters. Since after opening the present and finally seeing what it is, after let’s say days you’ll slowly starting to lose the interest. Letters are different. Even if it is only literally a group of paragraphs, those paragraphs can express the way you feel the most. Writing is also different in saying things personally, as it can be kept and preserved while verbal communication will be forgotten after a certain period of time.

I just felt the most positive feeling I have ever felt. It feels like “ang gaan gaan. Parang wala lahat ang problema mo tapos ang saya ng pakiramdam mo.” Definitely inexplicable. No words can describe the way I am feeling right now. The feeling injects the feeling of being inspired into your system. I remember blabbering about myself being uninspired as my reason for my mediocre performance in school. Now I don’t have the excuse on using ~~“uninspired”~~ again like Bic Runga’s Sway.

I also mused about my blockmates last year. He knows that I’ve been missing all of them especially the closest to me like Paneng, Yane, April, Czar, Julian, Ralph, Gab, Nerfe, Danica, Tere, and Leo. I really value the short six months (if I’m not mistaken) that we talked, laughed, shouted, sang, danced and gossip about things. It’s been always in my “wish list” to go back and study. It definitely hits two birds in one stone. I get to continue my course and see my close friends back in high school.

Now I am a believer at Kesha that ~~love is a drug~~. I’m on a high.

(When I was talking to Him, the moon was very bright and big. The light coming from the it embraced the lake. -Flip)

MARGINALIZED SECTOR

2010-04-26T03:33:00.001+08:00

The people who know me well distinguish that ~~I like being ahead of others haha~~. In my case in high school, I spearheaded our section’s Friendster profile. I also did the graphics since I can’t live without Photoshop. (I don’t have PS so I’m dead. xp) When I got my first multimedia phone, which was a N5310 in Feb. 14 2008, I changed into a music freak. (DUH! XpressMusic!) I downloaded lots of tracks mostly from foreign artists. ~~Many OPM artists and songs suck~~. There are only few who are at par with the international music scene. I remember last 2007 in the Miss Universe pageant I first saw Lady GaGa performed Just Dance. She wore a black “tanga” and a yellow coat if I’m not mistaken. She also held her glowing scepter. I quickly fell in love of her uniqueness and style so I hurried on downloading the track online. Next thing I knew I played the track for like 8732535 times. As Kim Chiu would say, “Walang sawa factor!” LOL! I transferred the track on my phone too. When my close friend borrowed my phone, she saw Lady GaGa’s song. I remembered that she laugh because of the artist’s name. I came into defense and said, “Maganda kaya yan!”

After like several weeks, Poker Face came out. Then the rest of the people by that time were just beginning to get caught of GaGa’s music. Another classmate approached me and said that there’s a new track from a certain artist. I told her, “Tagal na kaya yan.” For the duration of my senior year, that would be probably my “quotable quote”.

Fast forward and Lady GaGa in a short period of time is starting to make that “mark” in the music scene. Poker Face became ~~“tunog kalye”~~ and Paparazzi became the ~~“most downloaded ringtone.”~~ Lately I started to veer off a little to Pop, R&B, Hip Hop and others. Though I still listen to the said genres, I started on loving Alternative and Indie music. Now I love music from Architecture from Helsinki, Phoenix, Muse, The Ting Tings, The Postal Service and a lot more. As my close friend would say, “Philip doesn’t want common stuff that’s why he doesn’t like Harry Potter and Twilight.”

QUEUE

2010-04-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

Unexpectedly, Mom asked if I could go with her to the computer café at the town central. She gave me a condition. I go to the computer café if I would going her go to mass. If you are one of the few people who know me well, you know that I am not a fan of church masses or any religious engagements. BTW, I agreed to go with her. When we arrived, the mass was already ongoing. That’s what I hate. If I am going to a mass, I’ll make it sure that were there from start to finish. We arrived in the Lord’s Prayer and “peace be with you” part. Then it’s the communion. I was a bit hesitant on taking the communion since I just arrived. Then I decided to go for it. It’s funny ‘coz up to this very moment, I keep on repeating this on my head:” Right hand on the bottom, left hand above.” When we were starting to go on the aisle, slowly, a queue was unraveling. One of the weird things I am interested about. After having the communion, I started to pray. I talked to Him about being a bit uneasy inside his bailiwick since I am used to talking to him under the stars. Sorry for the grammatical errors if there are any (This one is a fragment. LOL). I still feel a bit awkward.

etc

2010-04-25T18:33:00.000+08:00

IMY :))GAAAH :(

sapped

2010-04-25T02:54:00.000+08:00

For the last few days, I am feeling a bit awkward. I feel soo tired. I feel powerless. My mind doesn’t function perfectly in the sense that I can’t even finish the post before this. It’s like somebody sneaked in my room with an energy vacuum and sucked all my strength. Parang gulay lang lol. I would have sudden jolts of my typical self. The loud, funny, and random side that people usually see. But when the quiet moments come in, I start to feel vulnerable. I just wanted to share. I’m not feeling that well. (READ: synonyms of tired and weak.)

SOUS L'EFFET DE FAÇON

2010-04-22T15:33:00.000+08:00

After watching last night’s Probe documentary about Los Angeles-based Filipino fashion designer Oliver Tolentino, as an individual who has a penchant for fashion, you will find his story really rewarding. Little by little, I find fêted designers like Rajo, Valentino, McQueen, Elbaz, Lacroix and others my inspirations for design not only in fashion but also in other forms of art.

Being a fashion designer is like being a president of a country, a king of a monarch, even a religious pillar. You have the power to influence the masses on what they choose to buy in a RTW store or how they carry the outfit. Do you remember when “maong to maong” was in? How about the peasant blouses? (The top with pouffy sleeves.) Of course, the recent comeback of the asymmetrical outfits is included in the list. Or the Sportswear trend and the Superman-cum-Lady GaGa underwear a outerwear? They have this weird kind of power that when we take picture of ourselves and look at it some 30 or 40 years after we get to laugh on how stupid we look like.

You know what, it doesn’t matter how you look at the past, present, or even the future. What matters is that you took risks and felt comfortable on what you are wearing. Life is too short to wear black and denim pants. Be experimental on what you wear but make sure it’s still your style and you feel like the clothes that you wear is your second skin.

avoir le trac

2010-04-22T02:42:00.000+08:00

The feeling that you have when you like a certain person is peculiar. Its funny ‘coz I was trying to find adjectives to suit and describe that particular emotion you encounter. That’s when you feel the “love” truthfully. As Pinoys would say it: “Walang halong ka-echusan.” Let’s concentrate to the authentic kind.

Have you ever had the feeling of jealousy towards another person because you feel that person would steal away someone whom you secretly feel for? It is very difficult. You can’t open up to anyone since talking to someone also close to him/her would result into teasing eventually breaking the secret. It is definitely better to say that feeling personally to the individual you feel special. Some would keep that emotion and try to fight it.

Having snubbing the distinctive attatchment for a long time, It’s definitely time to open up. Definitely, people would avoir des moments difficiles since the person you’re professing to doesn’t take it seriously. I was definitely frustrating. Maybe one time s/he’ll find out that what the person is trying to confess is what his/her feeling inside.

massive conservation

2010-04-20T02:23:00.000+08:00

”You look fat.” “You are way too skinny!” Like the majority of the Philippine population, ~~I was a fat kid~~. Not really fat, but I had those “jiggly parts” as Niecy Nash would describe it.

Growing up, the excessive baggage became to lighten up while stretch marks in certain areas began to show up. I recall that I would see my guy classmates lifting their shirts in nonchalance. God knows how I am in deep envy since those guys have flat stomachs, some have their abdominals on the verge of popping out while I have a typical body frame but with a ~~jiggly tummy~~. On my third year in High School, the envy grew more. Its funny ‘coz those guys evidently flexing their biceps to know who had the biggest “guns”. Because of that, “bunong braso” was a class pastime. They would also brag about how many “crunches” they can withstand. I can do 45 but the pain on the neck and back is punishing. I also remember one girl classmate who loves on pinching my tummy. Very embarrassing.

Finally, the senior year in High School. Miraculously, I lost more weight. My tummy fat lessened but was still evident. It was also CAT year. I hate doing stressful physical activities. I do not want to look weak. Punishments were grueling. We had to stay in a push-up position for like 723462374 minutes. ~~Its funny ‘coz I cheated those 723462374 minutes.~~ I also learned that I didn’t have that large amount of fat deposits in my stomach area, its just bloated. So I made a point to tuck my belly.

At College, the daily transportation, doing plates, staying up late, waking up early, and eating less took a toll on my weight thus, I trimmed down weight, again. I remember when my close friend from high school and I set a meet-up. The first thing that she said was: “Pumayat ka!” I said : “Talaga? Thank you”. I think this is the time for a change. Track and Field [which is my PE course] did wonders to since I had the liberty to jog, do stretches and etc. on a weekly basis. When I was prepping up for a meet-up with friends, I noticed that my denim pants are loose already. This boosted my morale more.

As a few know, I stopped going to school. No school, no allowance, less food equals lose more weight. Another meet-up was scheduled after 5 months away from the society. My friends were shocked that I lost more weight. This was music in my ears. But one time, I decided to take pictures. I noticed that I have thinner arms and a stronger jaw line. I have to stop. Now it is time to lift some weights, do crunches, and hit the gym. Problem is, I don't have personal funds lol. I think it’s a bit of a culture shock. I don’t want to get ripped like ~~Jake Cuenca~~ haha. I am aiming for a Victor Basa-esque frame. The guy is not overly muscular plus he has this lean physique. At the mean time, I have to wake up early (READ: Blog Entry Dates), jog, and endure the push-ups and sit-ups. I’m getting there.

are you an atheist

2010-04-17T03:52:00.000+08:00

ROFL. And yes, I am not. I just thought of this when I overheard our neighbors doing their “Prayer Fridays” a bit earlier as I am expecting. Then I kept on asking myself should I or shouldn’t I go outside and join the group. If you are one of those people who are familiar with my behavior, you know that I don’t go out of the house that much. When I was younger yes, I do. I wanted to join badly but if I join, I want to be there like from the start since catching up on prayers is pointless.

I do not really know what’s with me when it comes on spiritual issues. I admit; ~~I am not the kind of person who religiously goes to church every Sundays~~ but don’t get me wrong. I make it a point that I talk to the Boss as much as possible. I do not really have a reason not to go but for the longest time, I get used to not attending mass every Sundays. Definitely, one of the things I want to change. Actually, I love listening to the priest’s sermon. Only the sermon. Masses here in the Philippines tend to be too long, too pompous, too theatrical. Nowadays, the conventional backdrop of weekly church celebrations is not fitting with the progressive means of the typical human being. In this matter, alterations do go a long way. Tweaks such as lessening the gimmicks, alleviating the aura of the mass, and being straight to the point. I hope that the next time I go to church; I’ll have the feeling of looking forward for next week.

april showers

2010-04-15T01:52:00.000+08:00

Good timing. I just bought the current issue of Preview featuring Maja Salvador in white cutout maillots. Sorry for the minor OT. Anyways, I got the title from a Mother Goose rhyme that goes: “March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers.” that is also the title of Pauline Juan’s editorial. I used the title because when I was writing this entry, there were showers, which are contrary few minutes ago. Stars were visible on the sky an age-old indication that there are no clouds.

I should be praying at this moment. Picture this: Me sitting like a gargoyle outside cathedral walls in our balcony, looking through the stars and talking to God as if I was having a conversation with a person. But our neighbors put up a party so I can’t really reflect and be concentrated at praying. So might as well write it instead.

Alas, we still don’t have internet connection at the moment. There were no signals to be found because we are located between mountains. So I have to wait for several days until we get our internet. It’s painful but I know you have a good explanation for this. So thanks. I have to be positive right? That’s what I’m known for. Being a strong, risk-taking, and intimidating person is my image. But I totally admit that I am vulnerable. I get hurt, I cried like 87234623 times talking to You, I disobey my Mom, I slack off. It’s funny how you test people that are very kind and all. You strip off all their worldly riches, give them problems and whatnot. Not that I’m a good person but I usually hear those stories. Just a random thought. I just bought for myself the April issue of Preview. It is really rewarding and inspiring when you get that 100 and more pages of happiness. It is also an achievement because I left the house for the first time. On the way back home, there was this old woman with her grandchild I suppose who was with me. Meeting her gave me an unadulterated feeling. She was really kind and fragile. She would say: “Apo, pakisuyo naman” when she asked me to pass on their fare. I remember my grandma through her just now. I was really close to her. Kasi she was really caring, and sincere. I regret on not paying respects on her remains kasi I was chickening out. The old woman said thanks to after I passed on her their change. It just proves that not all old people are grumpy and rude. I finally got back home and was excited on reading the magazine. After reading it, it gave me a boost of inspiration and positivity. Fast forward. I hope that you won’t let me down this time. I hope that there will be good news tomorrow. Good news that will help us on having the comfortable like we once had. I hope that after these showers there would be blossoming flowers.

kaya mo yan

2010-04-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

So of us...make that all of us have ginormous things we want to accomplish in our life span. Some want to own a yacht; others want to fly to the moon. Well, I am not an exception. I have lots of them. Top priority would be graduating from college. Let’s face it, here in the P.I. when you graduated from College you won’t have unnecessary obstacles when applying to a covetable job position. Another sad truth would be like when you graduate from the "Big 4" (Ateneo de Manila University, University of the Philippines, De LaSalle University, and University of Santo Tomas) you have that "edge" from the other applicants since it’s true that there are other things that the other universities don't teach students. And the saddest: Even if you're the "best" but you graduated in a school that people didn't know existed, it would be hard. Buti pa sa ‘tate haha.

I would likely to have a dozen of jobs. Since the industry na pinapasukan ko is multi-faceted, it is not uncommon to meet a person na "ma-raket". Anyways, I'm planning on being a web entrepreneur. Blogging for chaching, making website layouts, 2D and 3d designing and blah. I would also work for TV stations and advertising firms for experience. Prolly I would have enough money to buy Photography equipment. Then, I would set up a studio. Probably send my portfolio to fashion magazines so I have stints and it would be a free advertisement but at the same time I’m going to earn. I would next open up a RTW label in the net. If that sells like hotcakes, I’ll open up a tangible store. Also having art shows here and there would help too.

I’ll be definitely become a workaholic. But doing the things I plan is not only for money but also most importantly it gives me this sense of worth. Truly, “Doing something you love as work, would not feel like the typical 9 to 5”.

Fast forward to couple of days back, I remember that Mom and I are having a convo. Since we just moved recently, she’s planning to buy a house slightly bigger where were at. I know that even were in an uncomfortable situation right now, she’s giving her best to make me graduate and eventually have the house she wanted. I was then thinking then I said to her, “Ayoko nyan. Pag nagkapera ako bibili ako ng 500-sqm na lupa”. ‘Di niya ata kinaya yung sinabi ko. I can see it in her face. I sensed that she went blank and just said, “Kaya mo yan”. Natawa ako. I told her, “It’s pretty obvious that you didn’t know what to say”. I stunned her. Don’t worry ‘Ma. I always get what I want LOL!

doll house

2010-04-01T01:12:00.000+08:00

Finally, we moved out of the traumatic environment that we lived in for almost three months. Yet, I am still very thankful that the people there were very nice to help us move in the place even though we didn't pay rent in advance. The house that we are now is awesome. IMO better than the house we had at SMV. Even though it’s a bit small okay lang 'coz dalawa lang naman kami sa house. But the best part was the view from the balcony. You can see a mountain made up of huge vertical rocks. It's mostly covered with bamboos. The mountain ends up in Laguna Lake. At night the wind is a bit strong at times and you can see a slice of Metro Manila with orange lights making the sky look like a Balmain-ified dress.

Even though we move in a very nice place, I try to talk to Him about being ~~"bahala na"~~ with our current situation. If you want us to rise back again, thank you very much. But if you want us to stay this way, then thank you too. You can't trust people, even the friends to know. Kaya you can only depend to God. That's what I've learned. Don't get me wrong. I have friends. But they are only a handful and quite an intimate bunch. I tend to choose kasi the people I make friendships with. 'Di kasi ako magaling makipagplastikan. Nowadays the saying "No man is an island" is not that applicable. You can survive by depending on yourself but still you have to seek assistance to other people occasionally. Pero at the end of the day, its still you.

crash and burn

2010-03-10T19:09:00.000+08:00

After a year, yes, a year of not having an internet connection, I'm finally back. For the past year, everything is high contrast. From graduating, passing the USTET ,nearly failing to be admitted at UST, being a Painting student instead of taking up Advertising Arts ,being depressed because I suck at drawing initially, the Ondoy moment, the successful first semester, the bad news, five months of being depressed and at this moment, I'm making a comeback hoping that this will be the start of a better life ahead. Madami sa’kin for sure nakakarelate. Like the people who suddenly stopped school because of lack of money and the people who are ~~"well-off"~~ before but now in a terrible position. I'm not being negative and all but I'm still not sure if this would turn out smoothly na. I think I still have no right para makampante . There's this part of me being happy because we are starting to move on again and the part of me being worried. “What if mangyari ulit ‘to?” No offense but I don't want to experience the life that most people have. Who doesn’t? It’s funny because there's a night where I'm planning on working even if I’m not yet “legal”. I was thinking of working in my high school classmate’s bike and motor shop ,seeking help from my art mentor to start selling paintings and the most effective would be having internet and put up a blog, start texture designing again and learning making website layouts. Too bad, all I need is some spare change for transport but I don’t even have money. I was stuck. Fast forwarding I went to a computer café ‘coz I was a bit curious what things look like when I was not in the middle of the scene. My “model” blockmate had her debut, the bf of my close friend would be transferring to UST, and a cornucopia of issues and chismis involving my high school batchmates. I didn’t realize that for a span of four-and-a-half months a lot has changed. Stepping in the middle of it all “again” feels weird. It felt like I was born the second time. Having to adapt to the scenarios around me was hard. Even the simple things like telling the jeepney driver where you’re destination is and asking the sales clerk if they have the current issue of Preview. All I have to do is be more kick-ass and be responsible. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m almost legal.